I have to go to a psychologist & psychiatrist as per my primary care doctor. I see the psychologist every week & the shrink every month. Ok, I can understand the shrink (even though I do not like it) so I can get refills on my medications. But the psychologist is about to get told where to go. If she doesn’t stop hounding me about my life, my choices, & the way I handle my life.
Ok, I lived a living hell for the 13 years I was in public school (kindergarten through high school). I developed in the 3rd grade & was the only female that had boobs & such. So I was bullied horribly. I would come home with bruises from being grabbed & pinched. When I or my parents informed the teachers, principal, or superintendent, we were informed that unless the teachers saw it happening there was nothing that could be done. Fine, so I dealt with it to the best of my ability. Yes, we did talk to the police & they just sent us back to the school. So as I got older the bullying got worst & I got more depressed. The bullies are the reason I don’t like people & am very un-trusting. But put yourself in my shoes before you start in on me. Know you have to go to school everyday where people treat you like shit & don’t give a damn about your feeling. I never went a day without being bullied. Honestly, if I hadn’t had the support & love of my parents & family, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I would have given up long time. After high school my college days were totally different, but the damage was already done. According to Jock (my best offline friend) I have a wonderful “F*ck off” attitude until I know that the person is going to bully me.
I know that this is my reason for not trusting people. I learned the hard way that in order to get people to leave me alone, I just avoid them. I was never good in crowds or with loud noises, but the bullies started it all. Do I want to start trusting people? No, I have yet to meet anyone in person (not online) that has proved to me that they are trust-worthy. Geesh, Jock & I have been friends for over 10 years & I still don’t trust him like I do my family. He knows this & is just fine with it. The psychologist is not happy with this & wants me to start more relationships with people & learn how to deal with them. I can deal with people for as long as I need to. That is the key word. DEAL Otherwise I am quite content to talk with my friends online & not deal with anyone else. But she is not happy about it & keeps pushing me to create more offline relationships & isn’t listening to me when I say it it isn’t gonna happen. Aargh!
I have lived by the saying of “I Survive” for most of my life or at least since 1991 when my grandmother died (she was my entire world besides my parents). The psychologist isn’t happy with me about that & refuses to understand that it isn’t going to change. She even went so far as to tell me that I had already given up on life & am just waiting for it to end.
For about the last five years, I have lived in constant pain level of 7 to 8 (1=mild & 10=severe). My doctor agrees that it is probably fibro but refuses to make the diagnoses. Hmm…let me tell you that if you live in constant pain you learn that fussing & crying doesn’t do a damn thing to help it, so why brother with it. I don’t. No one believes me when I tell them not to touch me or that I am irritable because of pain cause I don’t “show” it. What am I supposed to do, cry & whine all the time. What good would that do? Not a bloody thing. That along with my bloody anxiety & seizures, does not make my life the most enjoyable.
She has informed me that I have given up on my life. WTH? I am still alive, still kicking & being as sassy as I can. Where have I given up? I haven’t slit my wrists or sit at home & do nothing. I still go outside the house whether it takes me five minutes or thirty minutes to walk out the door. So I am not happy with her at all. It seems that all she wants to do is skip over my issues & continue with her opinions. About ready to quit it all together & let her know that it isn’t working. But my father wants me to continue going, so I will probably continue no mater how pissed it makes me.