Weight Loss – Moving Forward

So I had my consult with the Weight Loss Surgical Center yesterday. They agreed that since I have tried just about everything the last thing for me to do is bariatric surgery. This is not a step I consider light or easy. I am currently scared to death & on the verge of saying fuck it & just letting myself go. Yes, I know that is not an option, so I guess I am stuck with surgery.

So I am going to get the gastric sleeve. I feel it will be the best option for me. I am not a compulsive eater, nor do I overeat a lot. I just don’t eat the “right” things. Basically, the surgeon is going to remove about 75% of my stomach & leave me with a banana shaped stomach. That is it. Since my main problem is that I am always hungry, I am thinking that this will help fix the issue.

Now come the part I am not horribly comfortable with. I am currently at 391 pounds. I don’t feel good, nor do I like how I look. Do not get the idea that I am not healthy though. Yes, I am pre-diabetic but have been that for over 10 years. I don’t have high blood pressure, or any other main weight caused illnesses. I just don’t feel good. It is hard for me to move around & do the things I want to do. The photos below is me. In my fat goddess fullness. Most of those were from my father’s wedding & I am actually bigger then this now. These are from last October through December. I don’t like photos so I don’t take them. I do plan on taking photos every other week going through this loss. This is why I am doing this. I can’t take this look anymore.



So fair warning to all of you. I am going to turn into a royal bitch. Anytime I am kept away from my food then I am horrible. So if I snap at you online, bitch at you, or just seem rude, please forgive me. I will get better, I promise.

We are going to work my way into the liquid diet for weight loss & getting used to not having my carbs & such. Giving up the sugar is not really a *huge* thing cause I have gotten used to eating a diabetic diet due to Mom having diabetes.

The HUGE upside??? If I lose the weight Brenda said that as my quick reward (big reward explained down the page) will be a trip to New York City. It will be just the two of us, but we are starting to get along quite well. She still has the things that irritate the hell out of me, but at the same time, I don’t have much choice in the matter. We both want to go to the history museum, shopping, a show, FAO toy store, etc. Thinking of just a quick three-day trip. The big reward??? ENGLAND!!!!! Yep, if I can fit in a damn plane there is no way in hell I am not going to England. Brenda also says she will take us to Paris (she wants to go) also. I am so excited for both of these, I just need to remember that there are HUGE plus sides to giving up my food.

So hopefully be back in a couple of week on this topic with more horrible pics for you. Wish me luck & support cause I am going to need it.

Big Changes

I had a shock last week. I went to my psychologist for my three-month check-in. (She wants to make sure I am not any crazier then I was before, lol) Part of the appointment is getting vitals. I hadn’t stepped on a scale for about two weeks, so I wasn’t horribly worried. I knew I was probably still in the 380 – 390 scale. Nope, I hit 401lbs! This was the last straw. I have been on weight watchers for over six months & I do exercise (probably not as much as I should, but I do). I don’t eat more than I should (honestly, I think I eat less than I should) & what I eat isn’t all that bad except for one day of the week when I have Chinese food.

So after a long & hard talk with the family, I have an appointment to talk to my primary care doctor & thankfully B is going to go with me. From there I am hoping to get a referral to a bariatric specialist. I want to make sure that there isn’t anything medically wrong with me. If there isn’t then I am going to start the ball rolling towards surgery. Do I like the idea? Hell no. Do I want to do it? Hell no. Am I giving myself a choice in the matter? Hell no. I can not continue to gain weight like this. I have shot up over 20lbs in just three months.

Even as a baby I have never been “normal” weight. I have always been morbidly obese. I grew to accept that & learned to love my body. Am I going to run around in skimpy outfits because I love my body? No I have more self-respect then that. But I also know when enough is enough. When the scale hit 401lbs that was enough. I have been trying to lose weight since the scale hit 350lbs, I haven’t had any luck. Oh, I lose a few here & there but nothing major. I lost a total of 12lbs while in the summer doing water aerobics, but there is no indoor pool close to my town. If I join a gym that has it then I would have to drive 45 minutes to get there, all classes are at 8am (which means I would have to get up around 6am. Ok, not a huge deal right? I have insomnia, I normally don’t get to sleep until three or four in the morning & that is if I am lucky. I can’t wake up at 6am & function properly. I have tried. I normally don’t wake completely up until about 11am. In college I never scheduled any “difficult” class until the afternoon when I knew I would be awake. I took my accounting1, history, science, etc. classes. Anyhoo, back to my point, waking up at 6am is not an option. Even in high school when I had P.E. I never lost weight. This was with jogging three times a week (around a basketball court five times), stomach crunches, plus weight training. I never lost a pound. I ate fruits & veggies for my snacks & cut the soda. Didn’t help then, it doesn’t help now. Diets & exercises just don’t help me lose weight. Hence, why I think there is something metabolically wrong with me. If there is nothing then I will take the next step. I am scared to death, but I know if I don’t do something then I am going to go to an early grave.

Then comes in my mental issues. I have to remember my limitations & what I will have to “pay”2 for what I have chosen to do. For example: If I go shopping alone (i.e. Wal-Mart, Michael’s, Barnes & Noble, etc) I will have at least 3 panic attacks of varying strengths & when I am done (if I am lucky & not hiding in the bathroom) one or two attacks that are so bad I will have to “hide3” for a time before being able to move. Ok, so usually after about an hour of, “ok, the fight or flight rush is gone” I get slammed with the pain, numbness, & brain fog from the attacks. This is why I limit my shopping trips that I go on by myself. I must have someone else with me. Normally, I don’t need them to do anything other than if they notice I am starting to have issues they will just talk to me & help me calm down. Plus, they can drive if I have a seizure. So someone would have to come with me to the classes. B is not a morning person & she rarely goes to bed before 6am as it is. So she isn’t able to go either. Dad has to work at 09am & he won’t do the classes with me. It helps more if I am not the only one that doing what I am doing. Basically, I need a work out buddy. Unfortunately, I have no friends that live close enough to me to do this.

These are not excuses. These are the absolute hard truths. I can do it at home if I had the energy to do it. I don’t. Every physical activity I do I pay for with more pain on top of the pain I live with every single day. I ask you, if every time you put your foot down while taking a walk or any kind of movement, it felt like knives were slicing the soles of your feet to shreds would you be able to continue to walk? I doubt it. I am willing to do it if I know the weight will come off fairly quickly. If I could lose about 30 to 50 pounds, I think I would be able to handle exercise easier. But if I can lose more & actually get to about 200 – 250 what is the worst that can happen?4


1 Yes, I know accounting is difficult for most people. I have been around it for over thirty years, so there isn’t much that I can grasp quickly. To be fair, I was passing the actual accountants that were in the course getting a refresher. Trust me, that didn’t make me the most liked person in that class.

2 For me everything I do that is beyond my limitations will cause panic attacks, anxiety attacks, pseudo seizures (which will then have people calling the ambulance & then even more attacks, it is a vicious cycle.)

3 For me hiding is someplace I can sit without anyone else being around me. This lets me calm my heart & my mind. Usually takes me about three minutes, but can take as long as an hour for it to work. Normally, if I am in public I will be hiding in the bathroom, if I am not there then I am in my car at the end of the parking lot where there is no other cars. These are also the places I will go when I know I have a seizure building in my head.

4 Worst? I hate my new body & want my curves back. I lose my friends cause they are used to the fat person I used to be. Have so much excess skin & can’t afford to get it removed. Have so many scars from removing the excess fat that I can’t wear the clothes I want to wear. *sigh*

Joke’s on me

I did a doozy last week. I broke my damn bed. How did I manage that one? Simple, I bent the damn frame until it separated at the joins. When you have myself (weighing in at a horrible 400lbs *more on that in a bit*), plus four dogs that weight, at least, 100lbs total, it causes for a very heavy amount to put on a damn bed frame. Then to top it off when I have insomnia I tend to roll around quite a bit. So I got a lovely surprise one morning. The bottom support went out & I went sliding from the top of the bed directly into the foot board. Since I didn’t know what happened & D & B were still asleep, I pulled the mattress & box springs off the frame & found the broken support. Once D woke up I had him come down to help me remove the frame. I got lectured about how I am not supposed to be moving heavy things (my fibro acts up every time I do & was no different this time). I thought the support just broke, but he found that the join had split. So we got that removed & then headed to Springfield to get a new metal frame. Didn’t need he headboard or the foot board, so wasn’t worried about getting anything fancy. Went to the furniture store & got what was supposed to be a queen platform metal bed frame. Well, they cobbled it together trying to get me up off the floor but it didn’t work. We tried to put it together & it was either missing pieces or we didn’t have the correct pieces. Oh well, I went on amazon & bought a Classic Brands Hercules Platform Heavy Duty Metal Bed Frame for my queen. So far I only have one problem with it. My bed before put me at about 13inches off the ground. While resting my mattresses on the floor was nice, but looked like I was some kind of hobo, lol. The frame now puts me way over 15inches off the ground.

The one on the left is my mattresses laying on the floor. The one on the right is the new frame. It is a little high, eh?
my mattresses on the ground
The footstool is for Allie & Shiloh to get up on the bed. My bed in the old house was a high one & they couldn’t jump it easily so we taught them to jump on the footstool then the bed. The pillows at the foot of the bed on the floor is for a certain little boy who is used to having a foot board to lay against. (He fell off the bed the first night it was on the floor)

I like it high up, but I am afraid it is going to be more of a problem cause I have to actually climb into the bed instead of just sit on it. But then that would be a tiny bit of exercise, right? I think I am going to have Dad help me & remove the box springs. Supposedly you don’t have to have the springs with this frame so I may try that. I don’t know if I will be able to get into the bed when my fibro acts up. *By “fibro acts up” I mean having a really bad pain flare day.* Yes, Shiloh is wearing a shirt. He will continue to wear a shirt until he learns that Pippa is not to be messed with. He like to snap at her heels & try to boss her around. He doesn’t care that she out weights him by at least 40lbs & has bit & drew blood before. He doesn’t learn his lesson. I have found that if he wears a shirt, Pippa doesn’t make skin contact hard enough to draw blood. So he is in a shirt.

If you are curious about what & how his shirts are created, I will give you a quick lesson. I buy a 12 month baby shirt (9 to 10 month is better, but are hard to find). I roll up the bottom of the backside (his tummy side) until it is above his wee-wee (he hates things touching his wee-wee though he doesn’t mind showing it off) & sew it from seam to seam. Then I take the neckline & dart it up tight enough that he won’t walk out of it, about 1.5inches. Then he has custom made doggie shirts. For girls, I do the same thing with the neckline, but not the rolling of the hem.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with my psychiatrist (I am so fucked up I only see her once every three months). I had to have vitals & got a surprise of my life. Thought I was doing so damn good with my weight. I knew I hadn’t lost much, but I thought I had maintained where I was. Nope. I now weight 401lbs. Someone just shoot me now. I have no idea how this is going to be handled. B says that she is going to go with me to Dr. Thomas (primary care) & hopefully get me sent to a bariatric specialist to see what they can do to help me. I don’t want surgery, but at the same time I don’t want to wind up 600lbs or more. Diets don’t work for me & it seems no matter how much I exercise nothing happens. I know how to eat & I eat pretty damn good according to the food pyramid. I do splurge once a week, but it isn’t horrible. I don’t eat all the time & my snacks are normally fruit or nuts. I do know I eat too many carbs, but even those I eat more good carbs then bad carbs. My problem is me metabolism is so damn slow. I refuse to do anything that makes me sick or running to the bathroom all the time. I don’t want to do lap band, bypass, or any surgery like that. Personally, I don’t think I would be a candidate & I don’t choose to give up my lifestyle.

It isn’t what I put in my mouth it is how quickly my body handles the food. This is gross, but true. My mother & I ate out & somehow managed to get food poisoning. She had the vomiting & diarrhea. I only had the vomiting. Three days later I got the diarrhea. My doctor (I did go cause I couldn’t stop) informed me that it was probably because it took my body three days to process the food. If that is the case then is it any wonder why I have a upset stomach all the damn time. Food is sitting in it for three days (honestly, don’t know if I believe the doctor or not). I don’t over eat (I rarely am hungry at all). I have my small portions & that is all I eat. Yes, I may eat two peanut butter & jelly sandwiches in the morning, but that is all I am eating until supper.

My food for a day usually consists of this: 2 eggs, sausage, one biscuit, a little gravy (by a little I am meaning about 2 tablespoons) for breakfast & 16oz of mountain dew (my one cheat for the day). For lunch I either have a ham sandwich or a pb&j with 16oz of Sprite Zero (there ain’t nothing in it). There is no snack between breakfast & lunch, but there is usually about 20 oz of water. Then around 3pm I normally will have a snack of 5 chocolate covered peanuts, 6 semi-sweet chocolate chips (the kind you put in cookies) *my favorite*, 4 graham crackers, an apple, a banana, or 1/2 cup of grapes. (yes, this is what I eat every day). Also in between lunch & dinner is at least 20oz of water. Supper I normally eat a small portion of potatoes or a starch, about 6oz of meat, medium portion of veggies, & a medium amount of salad if it is made. Also for the rest of the night I will drink about 20oz or more of water, tea, or Sprite Zero. Now you tell me, is this that bad??????

I exercise as much as I can. As long as I am not having a pain flare day I am pretty good. I walk, climb stairs & run my bike. It isn’t working though. Even when I was doing water aerobics I only lost 6lbs in 4 months & I was restricting my diet even more then.

I told you all I am severally fucked up. I don’t have the strength for this fight on top of all the other fights I deal with every day. I am so tired of fighting. I fight with myself the minute I wake up to the second I fall asleep at night.

I am so close to just giving it all up. I am having a hard time finding the reason to continue the fight.

I’ll keep you posted on what happens.

Weight Loss

***All right, I want a few things up front. I know how to lose weight (eat fewer calories, fat, etc while exercising more than what you put into your body). I don’t need anyone telling me how or that I need to lose weight. Also, no teasing me or insulting me for my size. I know I am fat & big.***

I have always been a “big” person. I was born at 10 pound 7 oz by no means was I a small baby. I have never been what society calls “thin”. I spent 13 years being tormented, tortured, & made fun of by my classmates. It got to the point that I just don’t care what people think of me. I dress for myself (hence, t shirts & cargos) & do not choose to dress according to trends or what society thinks I should. That being said….

I went to the doctor recently. I knew I was above 350 pounds, but when I was informed that I was 382 pounds I had enough. I knew I needed to drop the weight & I didn’t have a “diet” buddy. At the same time I didn’t want to go around having to write down each & everything I ate & drunk (little that thought went for me). I used the brilliant My Virtual Model site for the pictures, in case you were wondering.

This is my model at the present time. Not good, eh? Also, no the model is my height, figure, weight, & skin tone. Beyond that it doesn’t look like me. All 382 pounds of me. So I talked to Dad & Brenda. Next thing I know Brenda is telling me that she is going to go back on Weight Watchers. Ok, I told her that I would just follow her eating habits & normally that works for me. NOPE! I got my own plan & monthly cost. I told her that it has three months to show a loss. If it doesn’t then I quit paying for it & try something else. Sigh, I hate diets.

I did some research & found out that for my frame & height I should be anywhere from 150 to 170 pounds. Not gonna happen. I don’t think I have ever been that size except for when I was a child. I am going to have a goal weight of around 200 – 250 pounds. I know I will still be obese, but I don’t think it will be that horrible of a change. According to the model this is what I should look similar too. I could handle that I think. I know it is going to take forever to lose the 182 pounds & it is going to be a damn nightmare. But I think I can do it.

To the exercising point, I am going to water aerobatics three times a week with Brenda. Surprisingly I am having a blast. Problem? The pool is only open through August. After that no more classes or pool until next summer. I am hoping I will have lost enough to go walking without my back killing me *big boobs & big stomach*. If not then I will be going on the hunt for a damn indoor pool & hell with the damn cost. It shouldn’t cost this damn much to lose weight, sigh.

Now here is why I am making this post. I hate diets. It never fails when I go on one I turn into a huge bitch. I complain, fuss, fume, lose my temper, etc. I would love it if all of you could just bear with me & I will do my damnedest to not tweet or blog my ill-tempered moments. Hence, blogging may be put on hold for a while until I get used to this diet. I will probably post off & on about the amount lost or gained but I have no intention on this becoming a weight loss blog.

Wish me luck, cause I am going to need it!

My Weight Loss

Well, you all should know by now that I am an overweight woman. Now I am not going to sit here & bash myself telling you that I hate myself or my curves. Hell no, I love every inch of my curves. They are, every inch of them very dear to me. They made me who I am. Nothing will ever change that. But, that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish I weighed less, lol. I will always be a “big woman” nothing short of plastic surgery will ever change that, & I will never ever touch that unless it is for medical reasons (i.e. Bubs). Now I can say that if I find out I have breast cancer, I will just chop the girls off & be free of them. *Hey, you carry around DDs & see how your back feels, lol*

Anyway back on track here. My main problem is that I want clothes that fit & not have to order out of a bloody catalog. I hate that. I want to be able to go into Wal-Mart & buy clothes. I want to be able to knit clothing from patterns. I can’t do any of that with most clothing because they do not go up to my size. I wear anything between the size of 34W to 36W or 4X to 5X depending on the brand & my comfort level. In other words, if I want the men to stare at the girls & have me smack them or if I am hiding the girls, lol. I have been looking for a short sleeved cardigan for the last five years. Yes, I said years. I can’t find one that I like. *I don’t wear sleeveless shirts, ever* So after I learned to knit I realized that I could knit one. Yay, I thought I can make it is exactly how I want. Nope, none in my size & I didn’t really want to have to figure out the measurements to make it fit me.

Then I find out that I am not going to get off the stupid diabetes meds unless I loss some weight & ease the stress on me. Hmm…now there are two reasons. Then I find out that Dad’s blood pressure is a little high & his cholesterol is just a tad high but nothing to worry about or to treat yet. So now there are five things. So I have sat & thought about it for the last week & decided that I will go on a mild & meek weight loss. Then I started my research cause I am still working on building up my strength back from my hospital stay & I am severely out of shape. Plus, it is the middle of summer which means heat & my meds screw with my body temp so where it may be 80 outside my body tells me it is 100 & I have huge problems. So I have to find ways to exercise without overheating. But at the same time, I don’t want to join a gym due to money issues. Danged if I do & danged if I don’t, lol. But Dad & I are going to start hitting the Springfield Nature Center for the hiking trails. I still remember being able to walk the long trail (about 2 miles) without being out of breath or winded. I would like to get down to a 2X or around 250pounds. I know I would still be obese, but I wouldn’t be as bad as I am now. Dammit, I have sexy legs & I want to wear a damn miniskirt without feeling like a bloody whale, lol.

What is going to kill me is giving up my Dr. Peppers, but I know that it will be good for me. But I do like tea, so I will just have to remember to order tea & try to get away from sweetening it too death, lol.

I came across this page on ZenHabits & it makes a lot of sense to me.
Zen to Slim: A Simple, 5 Step Weight Loss Plan
Basically, it goes like this.

  1. Step 1: Begin gradual exercise
  2. Step 2: Replace fatty and greasy foods with healthier foods.
  3. Step 3: Eat smaller meals, more frequently.
  4. Step 4: Intensify exercise slowly.
  5. Step 5: Replace sugary foods with healthier treats.

No, this isn’t going to be a quick thing. I imagine it is going to take me about three years or longer, but I know if I try to stick to a strict diet I will just fail. Just like if I try to keep a food diary of everything I eat, I will cheat & not do it. I have tried them all. Dad also says that the Methodist Manor in Marionville will let us use the fitness center for $23 a month if we want, but I just don’t know if I want to work out with people that are in their 80s & 90s watching me, though that is probably my speed right now, lol.

So I will just tell you this now. Expect a lot of bitching. If there is one thing I hate is to go one a diet & exercise. To me there is nothing worse. So if I am complaining a lot just remind me that once the weight comes off it will be worth it. Cause I sure ain’t going overseas weighing what I weight. I can do this, Mom is not going to be around to sabotoge me this time so I CAN DO THIS! :dance: :dance: :dance: :dance: