BLOG CHALLENGE #12: What do you think you are most misunderstood for?


I am most misunderstood for my mental issues. Everyone that doesn’t know me or understand the illness (which is most people) automatically think I am a danger to them & society. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am not a danger to anyone. Yes, I have grand mal seizures, but does that make me dangerous? Nope, not in the least. I do not seem very social but that is because of my Agoraphobia. Again that doesn’t make me dangerous. I am tired of seeing parents & people look at me like I am going to whip out a gun & start a shooting spree. Yes, I don’t like being in crowded places, they make me think I am going crazy, but I don’t own a gun nor am I ever inclined to shoot anything. Hell, I can’t even kill a bloody mouse that was in my house & didn’t get killed in the trap. Know what I did? I took it to my father & he killed it. Same with the bloody snake I found in my bed. Did I kill it? Nope, took it outside & released it back into the woods. Now does that sound like someone who is mentally unstable??? I don’t think so.

People also think since I am very quiet I am stuck up. The real issue? I don’t make small talk easily. In fact, I am horrible at it. So I tend to be very quiet & people either think I am stuck up or extremely shy. Get me started on something I am passionate about (like animals, knitting, crafting, reading, etc) & I’ll talk your ear off, lol. Bug again, people don’t see that about me. They just see the shy & quiet female sitting off in the corner being the loner that she is.

My point here, is please, be understanding of that quiet person that seems to be out of place. They may not be stuck up or shy, they may just not be good at handling social situations. Be understanding of other people. Give them time to warm up to the situation.

My WoW Characters

Thanks to Jessica, Grace, Katherine, & Zeb I have gotten hooked on World Of Warcraft (WoW). I played the free version off & on for the last few years, but never bought the game. Jessica & Grace kept on about how fun it was & so I decided to give it another try. This time I had help figuring out what I was supposed to do & how to do it. After about two (2) weeks of solid playing I noticed that there was a sale on the base game for $10. I snapped it up & got a monthly subscription to the game.

I do not consider myself to be a hard core WoW player. I mostly just do the quests & level up. I rarely play with anyone unless Jessica or Grace are running me through dungeons. They are both high level & I am a measly 40 level (at the time of typing this) so they can one shot everything & I don’t die, lol.

My Characters

You can click on the pictures for larger views

This is Kinthua or Kinthy for short. She is a Pandarian Hunter. She normally runs with a tiger pet named TigerEye, but I just tamed this White Wind Serpent.

Kinthy is my main Horde character. Both Jessica & Grace are mainly Horde so I thought I needed to have one one that side even though I, normally, tend to lean to the Alliance side. But I am pleased with Kinthy. Though she does move a lot slower then my other taller characters, lol. Those short little furry legs, lol.

She is finally mounted though. She started with a Purple Dragon Turtle at level 20 & then she just now moved up to a Great Red Dragon Turtle today at level 41.

This is Kudralii or Kudra for short. She is a Draenei Hunter of level 40 (at the time of this writing). She has a Night cat for her pet. I prefer cats as companions as they seem to take a lot of damage & give a lot of damage to their opponents. Anyhoo, I love the Draenei characters. Thanks to Jessica I keep calling them goats cause they look a little like goats. I think goats are adorable so it was perfect.

Kudra is my absolute favorite character. I leveled her first & if I am just playing to play, I normally will play her. Only problem is that she is Alliance & most of my friends are Horde. Though Jessica & now Grace both have high level Alliance characters, I normally play Horde with them. If I could move Kudra over to Horde I would in a second. I know that you can by paying for it, but I just don’t really want to do that so she stays on Alliance.

She is mounted on a Great Purple Elekk at level 40 & was riding a Purple Elekk at level 20. Once I get the ability to I will mount her on a White Ram to further be a goat like creature, lol.

This is Paoani a Tauren Druid. I wanted to play something other then a hunter & when Grace told me these shapeshift I was hooked. She is not a high level at the moment only level 8, but I play on getting her up there. I want to see her mounted & what shapes she shifts into. So far she shifts into a bear & cat. I have admit that I miss having a pet but she is growing on me. I just don’t like the Tauren starting area so I am struggling with getting through it. I think once I get through the starting area I will do just fine with her. I am looking forward to the different spells she preforms. I am also curious as to how her Kodo mount will look.

This is Raineka or Raine for short. She is a Orc Mage. Yes, another non-hunter! I honestly want to keep her, but I am not connecting with her one bit. But I am pushing through & again I think once I get out of the starting area I will be fine. I want to play a mage so I can see all the spells & such that they can do. I didn’t want another Draenei cause I still remember playing the starting area & wanted something different. So I choose Orc. She doesn’t look bad, I love her hair color. But I still think Orcs need more choices, lol.

So those are my main characters. I also have two Death Knights (a Draenei & Tauren) that I haven’t touched, but I was playing in character creation & loved the names so they are sitting inactive until I level up Kinthy & Kudra to high levels. I also have a Troll Shaman, Drawf Hunter, & a Goblin Hunter that are sitting around though I am close to deleting the Goblin. I just don’t like her questing or her anymore.

I have to give shout outs to Jessica & Grace for giving me the wonderful starting gifts. Most of the time it is larger bags & gold. They are both so sweet to me. They both paid for my mounts & told me to start auctioning off my mining, skinning, & herbs to get better pay. I was just selling it to the innkeeper & sellers. If I didn’t have everyone helping me then I highly doubt I would have started playing. But I am getting addicted to it or as they put it I am getting corrupted, lol.

BLOG CHALLENGE #11:Describe what your biggest fear is and why.


My biggest fear (I, honestly, have several) is a multiple of fears, but I will talk about one of the main ones.

Fear of the Pitch Black

When I was about six (6) months old, I got really sick. Mom took me to the doctor & he gave me penicillin for the illness. Mom was very careful about what she gave me so she only gave me a half of the dose. She said that I started screaming at everyone. Any hands or movements scared me to death. Mom took me back to the doctor & he told her that it was a severe reaction & that if she had given me the full dose I might have died. So no more penicillin or any version of it for me.

Since then, if I am in a pitch black room or place I constantly see all kinds of hands (both human & monster) reaching for me out of the dark. I know that it is nothing, & sometimes can ignore it but with my anxiety disorder my mind takes off running with the fear. Hence, there is always nightlights in my house & my bedroom is dark, but not pitch black. Hence why power outages are not a good thing. I will leave a flashlight on & waste the batteries just so I can sleep without the horrible hallucinations I get.


an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.


This is my official diagnose as to what is wrong with me. I am not afraid to go outside I do like the crowds, noises, or the crush of too many people. That is what the phobia means. Basically, you know that “flight or fight” rush you feel sometimes? That is how I feel every time I am out in public. The meds I take are to help with the sensation, but they only “help” nothing will ever take the feeling or phobia completely away.

Due to the agoraphobia I get depressed (cause I want to be out in public with people & get lonely) & if I have too much stimuli (public, people, noise, etc.) I will have an anxiety attack or even a grand mal seizure. So hence, most of my friends are online (even that can be too much for me sometimes). This is also why I rarely play games with anyone. Some people are not understanding about this condition.

I am always afraid that I am going to have a seizure in public, everyone gathers around me shudder, calls an ambulance, & I go to the hospital. This would be a vicious circle.

  1. Stimuli starting
  2. seizure happened
  3. people gather around, I wake up to see the people
  4. all the way back to #1
  5. Ambulance comes, more attention paid to me, more anxiety & seizures
  6. all the way back to #1
  7. Hospital trip, money out, worried about how to pay, more anxiety, more seizures, more attention
  8. all the way back to #1

See the vicious circle? It is never ending. The best thing that can happen to me is to have my seizure in a private place (bathroom stall, car, etc.) This is why if I am out with people I run to the bathroom sometimes. I am feeling overwhelmed & have to get to a quiet & alone place. People don’t understand my problems & I ether get told I am faking it or just want attention. which is funny cause getting attention is a big part of the cause

So now you know what I am scared of. Just remember that I may live in the “flight or fight” rush all the time & I will always try to get away, but there is those few times that I choose to fight. hence, high fast burning temper that blows Hopefully this helps you understand me a bit better, lol.

Gaming Part 2

This is a two (2) part blog post. This is the second one & the first one is here.

People I Watch

When I go to the office with Dad (almost every single day) I get to sit, greet clients, knit, & watch youtube or movies. So these are the youtube players that I watch all the time. I highly recommend you give them a try.

I have about 50 subscriptions to different Youtube accounts of ones that I watch every now & then, but those six (6) are the main ones I watch every time there is a new video out.

This one has been recommended by Katherine as one to watch. I haven’t gotten into watching him yet, but so far he sounds like it is going to be good.

My Play Style

Since I never grew up playing games (at least this is why I believe I am this way) I never learned to play with others in video games. Hence, why I do not join public servers or normally play with other people.
I find it difficult & I never know what to do or how to handle playing with other people I know. This is why World of Warcraft (WOW) is so confusing to me. I am not used to dealing with other players instead of just game NPCs. This is why I normally only play single player games like Minecraft. I can play by myself & I don’t have to worry about griefers or other people edging in on my battle or building. Too many times I have dealt with people taking my kill or battle away from me in WOW that I only play when it isn’t horribly crowded & even then I have to deal with them. I, normally, find that I don’t enjoy playing with other people besides people I have already knew from before. This does not mean that I won’t but normally it will have to be a game I know very well (i.e. Minecraft) hence why I will play with my friends on servers every now & then. I am jut used to being a loner & playing by myself.

Gaming Pt. 1

This is a two (2) part blog post. This is the first one & the second one here.

Yeah, I do play games. Do I call myself a gamer? Nope, I don’t. I am very picky about my games & rarely spend any money on them. Basically, if I don’t get a free trial then I don’t play it most of the time. The one main time it was different was Minecraft. The two main games I play are Minecraft & World of Warcraft (WOW). Minecraft I paid for back when it was in Beta. WOW I only play the trail version. I just can’t bring myself, on my limited budget, to purchase the game & a monthly subscription.

I used to play the Sims. I was completely addicted to it. Even though it took the game a hour (a hour!) to load on my computer at the time. Then one day for some reason I took the time to total up the entire cost of the games & it floored me. I had spent over $2000 on the games & for what? Yes, I bought Sims 4 & the first expansion. Played it for a month & uninstalled it. It was the same old same old. Enjoy other games more. Ever since my addicted Sims time, I am very careful of the games I play. Yes, I am addicted to Minecraft, but it only cost me $20 & that is it. I can handle that, plus there is a lot more game play (to me) in Minecraft.

My Games

I am weird when it comes to games. I do not like nor understand army games, shoot em up games, & other games along that line. I grew up with Super Mario World, Kid Icarus (loved that game), etc. I didn’t play Call of Duty, Halo (still kinda want to play that series), Assassin Creed, etc. Those games never really interested me any. I had a Gameboy & that was it. All other games were on my computer & I didn’t get one of those until I was 13. So yeah, I didn’t grow up with games. Didn’t have a Nintendo console, xbox, etc until last year when I bought a Wii-U & even that was mainly for B’s grandson when he comes over to play. I think I have played it three times. The games I have on it are Super Mario World 3d, Zelda (trying to get into that game, Metroid (loved it on my gameboy, console not so much), & Lego Hobbit. Of those the main one I play is Super Mario World 3d. Yeah, biiiiig gamer here, lol  . Yes, I do own some games that are outside my comfort zone like Dead Space 1 – 3 (thanks so much for this, Guude). Check Guude’s youtube videos out, they are quite good & he is wonderful to watch & listen too. I will have more on who I watch later in the post, I think.

Do not take what I am about to talk about as saying that game developers do not deserve every bit of credit and/or money, they do. I, personally, hate paying for something that I am eventually going to beat & then not want to play anymore. This happened all the time on my gameboy & a few of the computer games I played growing up. That is one of the reasons why I love Minecraft. You “beat” the game, yet there is still so much you can do with it. No, I no longer go spam click crazy when I run into more then two monsters but it is still a huge amount of fun for me. If a game has not extended gameplay like that then I don’t really want to spend my limited budget on it.


Minecraft is the main game that I play. By that I mean when I first turnt he computer on, the three programs that are started is Minecraft, Chrome, & Thunderbird. Yep, in that order. I spend my days playing Minecraft, surfing the internet, chatting with my friends, knitting, & playing minecraft. Did I mention playing Minecraft? Knitting & Minecraft are the two major things, besides my friends, animals, & family, that I have to have in my life. The main thing I do in Minecraft is explore, cave & hoard all the items, blocks, & so on. Yep, I have a huge problem. But I am ok with it. Every now & then the build bug hits me & I build villages. Small numerous villages. My favorite thing is to take a generated village & make it bigger with more villagers. Below are some of my builds. Please, don’t judge them. I recently played Queen & destroyed a lot of my maps & don’t have a copy of the bigger builds that I have done. Some of them are re-builds of other things I have seen online & liked. Yes, I play a heavy modded Minecraft. Every mod that I play with is one that I enjoy playing & doesn’t let you cheat unless you really want too. Yes, I use X-Ray mod, but I never use it unless I have dug & dug & still can not find out where the bloody monster is. Then if I see any ores or such, I dig them up & dump them into lava cause I didn’t play to get them.

World of Warcraft

This is Sylleynre (Sell-e-near) my night elf & her pet, Nightfang. She is my Hunter & the one that gets played the most. I want her outfit to be very mystic looking. I love Nightfang & would love to get him amor, but I think you have to be a paying player to get that. I may decide to pay for it someday, but as of right now, I’ll stick to the free trial version. I spend most of my time & effort in playing this one. I enjoy the hunter class & love that I can hit the enemy once & the pet will take care of the rest. Though I do step in most of the time so that Nightfang doesn’t get too low.

This is Oladra (Ola-dra) my blood elf. She is my only Rogue. She is played the second most. Basically when I don’t want to play with Sylleynre I play with her. I love the looks of her & I am trying to get enough money to buy her new armor that suits her more then what she has. I love her weapons or at least the looks of them. But I want her clothing to be this kick-ass suit of armor & I have to earn the money to pay for it.

I have other characters & classes, but these two are the ones that get the most play time. It is slow going & sometimes I get pissed cause other players cut in on the battle that I am trying to win but that is what you have to deal with while playing a game with other people you don’t know in it.

In the next post…

I will talk about how I play, why I play that way & what really pisses me off about games. Plus, I will give you the list of youtubers I watch while AFKing or knitting.

Is It Rude To Knit In Public

I came across this article via my twitter feed.

So I went to the article {here} & read the article. Needless to say, it riled me just a bit.

Well, you all know that I am a knitter. I do it for multiple reasons. The main one? It helps control my anxiety & panic attacks. That means I can leave my house & go into public without a lot of panic attacks. Yes, I take medication for my anxiety, but I automatically have a “flight or fight” response to any outside stimuli (crowds, loud noises, etc). For crying out loud, if I sit directly underneath a speaker at the movie theater I can have a panic attack1. So even though my medication allows me to actually get myself out the door most mornings, I still have anxiety attacks with any other stimuli. It is a horrible mental condition to have & it isn’t made easier by the general public. Some people when they see you are having a problem will actually make it worse even when you have asked them nicely & politely to stop doing what they are doing. So no, public does not make it better or easier.

Yes, I have knitted everywhere I go. I have even managed to knit, walk, shop, & carry on a conservation with two other people all at the same time. Now if I can do that I want you to sit there & tell me that I am not paying attention to what is going on around me. I knit during movies, after I finish eating (I don’t eat a huge amount of food so I finish first), shopping, riding in a car, etc. All while paying attention & carrying on a conservation with those around me. I do admit that I don’t sit in the front row & I never call attention to myself. I only knit small items (aka: socks) while doing it in public so that it is small & I don’t have any wild movements going on.

So no, I do not think it is rude to knit in public. I find talking to someone that is looking at their phone to be much worse then knitting. Most knitters can knit & have their attention split between the knitting & other things. Heck, I knit at stop lights while waiting for it to change to green. I can knit three (3) stitches in that time frame. Yet, I am still watching the light & cars around me.

1 Panic attacks = Grand Mal Seizure
Anxiety Attacks = shakes, running away, or tremors of my whole body, physical sickness, plus multiple other symptoms my brain throws at me to try & get me to leave the stimuli that is causing the problem.

Blog Challenge #1: Your current Relationship or how you enjoy being single!

As far as romantic relationships are concerned I am single, thank goodness. I have yet to determine a reason, a desire, or use for a husband or boyfriend. My medication messes up my bodies natural “needs” so I don’t have my hormones driving me to do something I don’t need to do. Not to mention the the risk of STD’s or pregnancy that I don’t need or want. Nothing it 100% effective.

The best part of being single is the simple fact that I can do what I want & when I want. If I want to go out to see a movie I get to choose what I want to watch & when I want to watch it. I get to choose where to eat & what I want to eat (diet withstanding of course). I do not have to worry about what anyone else wants to do or eat unless I have chosen to go with them. I enjoy my single life & probably won’t change it until Dad and/or Brenda is gone. I like companionship but only when I want it. I tease & joke that I need a companion that I can put in the closet & only take out when I need it. Maybe something like an android that I can turn off when I want alone time, lol.

Due to my mental issues (anxiety, panic disorder, & agrophobia) I have to have time just to myself with no one else around. Hence, why I stay home alone at least once a week. Since I am also a introvert it is crucial for me to have my alone time. If I don’t have it I become mentally exhausted & that is quickly followed by my fibro flaring up & physically exhaustion. This explains why I do not do the “bar” scene or “crowd” scene.

I enjoy the fact that my friends are online & too far away for me to easily visit them. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to meet my friends but it is terrifying, not terrifying, & exhausting to meet them. Eventually I do plan on meeting some of them, but I am still working up the courage to do so, lol.

As for non-romantic relationships go, I love & adore my friends. I may not have a lot of friends that are physically around me, but I have a lot of online friends. I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. I may never physically meet them, but I know that they are there for me whenever I need them. Just like I am there for them when they need me.

I have another type of relationship that most people will consider weird, but I need & want it. I am talking about my relationship with my animals. You know what a service animal is so this relationship type is not completely unusual. I have Allie & Shiloh for my service animals along with beloved pets. Allie handles my seizures by laying on my while I am having them or sitting on me before I have them. Shiloh is my comfort animal. He will sit in my arms & cuddle with me whenever I am having an anxiety or panic issue. It helps calm me down quite a bit. Allie will do the same thing, but she is more “nursemaid” then cuddlier. If I could take a service animal with me everywhere it would make a huge difference, but it very difficult to get a service animal that is for my issues & make it legal. Plus, it would cause undue attention to me which would cause more anxiety & panic issues. I am danged if I do & danged if I don’t.

These are my relationships. I choose to remain single & will remain that way until I find a need or want for a husband or boyfriend.

Knitting Tax *wink*

Weekly Totals 05/25/15 – 05/31/15

Not to shabby this week. I expect the current week is going to see greater distance walked & more steps. I have found that I can walk around the entire block without stopping or being in great pain. Now

  • Total Steps: 16,961
  • Daily Average: 2,423
  • Total Distance: 7.52 miles
  • Total Floors Climbed: 4
  • Total Calories Burned: 19,830
  • Calories In VS Out: -16,927
  • Weight Change: -5.1lb
  • Average Sleep Duration: 5hrs & 15min
  • Current Weight: 359.8lb

Week of May 18 – 24

This was surgery week, so the info is not that great. So I am just going to give you the Fitbit info.

  • Total steps: 9, 311
  • Total Distance: 4.13 miles
  • Total floors climbed: 4
  • Total Calories Burned: 18,968
  • Calories In VS. Out  18,971 cals burned/1560 cals eaten
  • Weight Change: 3.5lbs
  • Avg Sleep: 3 hrs 56 min


Week of May 3 – May 9 2015

OK, I am just laying things out here. I will probably edit the layout this week & next week a bit. I have surgery next week & so I plan on doing a lot of site work while recovering *hoping to at least*

Sunday May 3, 2015

  • Calories: 1070/1500
  • Carb: 90/94
  • Protein: 78/188
  • Steps: 2,559
  • Distance:1.14 miles
  • Stairs: 5

Monday May 4, 2015

  • Calories: 1741/1500
  • Carb: 204/94
  • Protein: 78/188
  • Steps: 4638
  • Distance: 2.06 miles
  • Stairs: 1

Tuesday May 5, 2015

  • Calories: 1289/1500
  • Carb: 144/94
  • Protein: 74/188
  • Steps: 2540
  • Distance: 1.12 miles
  • Stairs: 1

Wednesday May 6, 2015

  • Calories: ?/1500
  • Carb: ?/94
  • Protein: ?/188
  • Steps: 2520
  • Distance: 1.12 miles
  • Stairs: 2

Thursday May 7, 2015

  • Calories: 1528/1500
  • Carb: 79/94
  • Protein: 98/188
  • Steps: 3607
  • Distance: 1.6 miles
  • Stairs: 2

Friday May 8, 2015

  • Calories: 1548/1500
  • Carb: 164/94
  • Protein: 63/188
  • Steps: 2740
  • Distance: 1.22 miles
  • Stairs: 1

Saturday May 9, 2015

  • Calories: 1032/1500
  • Carb: 150/94
  • Protein: 60/188
  • Steps: 3031
  • Distance: 1.34 miles
  • Stairs: 1

Sunday May 10, 2015

**Note: Dad’s Birthday, went to Red Lobster & had ice cream hence the horrible numbers**

  • Calories: 2985/1500
  • Carb: 274/94
  • Protein: 101/188
  • Steps: 4304
  • Distance: .13 miles
  • Stairs: 2


This is basically what I am planning on telling you every week.  If there are other stats that you would like to know, let me know & I’ll see what I can do.  I may change the format & I may not.

Food Diary Status

I know I have been faithfully doing the daily post, but honestly it is getting to become quite tedious.  So I think I am going to change it to once a week. Maybe just giving a breakdown of how my week went.  I am not having enough time to get the post done daily & it upsets me when I don’t get done what I “need” to get done.  So I think I am going to do it this way.  Post it every Monday & just give a run down of the days & totals.

I also got a Fitbit Charge over the weekend & so I think I will add the steps, sleep, floors, etc to the run down also.  In all truthfulness my diet doesn’t change. I eat the same things over & over again so I don’t really see how it helps anyone.  I am sorry if I have let you down but I have to maintain this blog the way I can & doing it daily is just more than I can handle along with getting ready for surgery, online issues, private issues, depression, stress, etc.

I will set up the first weekly one to happen on Monday May 11, 2015. That will give me a full week with the Fitbit & monitoring my diet.

I am also tired of this color scheme, so it will more likely change sometime this week.  I think I am going to go completely different from the purples. *hoping*

Food Diary 04-11-15

Calorie Intake: 1500 or below

HA!  Didn’t happen by a long shot. Failed horribly today. Honestly, I don’t care.  I wanted every bit that I ate & don’t feel guilty about it.


Description Calories Carbs
 Coffee  2  0
 Carnation Instant Nonfat Dry Milk, 3 tbsp  45  7
Total  47  7
Description Calories Carbs
 Freddy’s French Fries, 1 regular  489 57
 Freedy’s Grilled Chicken Sandwich  350  28
 Mini Strawberry Cheesecake Concrete 373  39
Total  1212  124
Description Calories Carbs
 Chicken Domburi  539  100
 Gyoza  236  22
 Philly Roll, 6 pieces  270  30
 Tiramisu  480 64
Total  1525  216
Description Calories Carbs
Daily Total  2784  347


I will have one more meal this size or larger next week when it is my birthday celebration. I am a little afraid that I am going to get my surgery notification this week & then it will be on liquid diets & I won’t get my birthday celebration. Sushi I can have after surgery, the chicken domburi I can’t (the rice is a no-no). That is going to kill me I think I love rice & chicken domburi is my fav so yeah, I am eating it all right now, lol.

This is not a normal day for me. I normally would not eat the ice cream or the desserts. The supper would normally just be chicken Domburi & a salad. I wanted the gyoza & the sushi.

As for the fries? Well, I blame that on being a woman with hormones. *hint: I am getting ready for something*

Protein Powder Review – Nature’s Best Isopure Zero Carb

Nature’s Best – Isopure Zero Carb

  • Total Calories – 210
  • Calories From Fat – 10
  • Total Fat – 1g
  • Saturated Fat – 0.5g
  • Cholesterol – 5mg
  • Sodium – 320mg

  • Potassium – 750mg
  • Total Carbohydrates – 0g
  • Dietary Fiber – 0g
  • Sugars – 0g
  • Protein – 50g

Shake Ingredients

  • 1/3 cup- Non-Fat Dry Milk (this adds 80 calories & 8g of protein)
  • 12oz water
  • Nature’s Best – Isopure Zero Carb Vanilla from Nashua Nutrition

My Review

I was having high hopes for this protein cause it is no carbs & I can use that help in cutting my carbs, lol. The first thing I noticed once I mixed the protein with the water (seeing if it was a clear liquid) was the smell. It, honestly, smells like old moldy vegetables. Not the most appetizing thing to smell. I tried it before adding the dry milk & it also tasted like it smelled. It was quite gross. I added the dry milk to try & help the smell & flavor. Nope, didn’t help. I love the amount of protein (50g) in each serving, but I just don’t think I could handle drinking it all the time. About halfway through the 12oz of it, my stomach did a flip-flop telling me it didn’t like it either. So this is a definite no-go for the future. I am afraid if I had to drink it often, I may not be able to keep it down.

My Ratings

  • Taste: 3/10
  • Consistently: 7/10
  • Smell: 1/10
  • Stomach feeling: 3/10
  • Buy again?: NO

Surgery Update

Ok, I have not gotten the surgery yet. I am still waiting on approval from Medicaid & the surgeons. I don’t see any issue with it being approved though. I have the agreements of my primary care & shrink for the surgery. I am hoping for surgery the first part of May.

B & D are taking off for Vegas (without me) in April. Even leaving me alone for my birthday (first time I have ever been alone on my birthday). Not entirely happy about it, but what can I do about it? Just hopefully, I will be able to celebrate it in style (sushi & martinis) the weekend before!

The next fun thing is that I am on a 1500 calorie diet (before was 2000). Wanna guess how much weight I have lost???????? NONE! I have actually gained 3 lbs. Aaargh!!!! *pull my hair out* Brenda says not to worry about it, but I do. I worry about everything. *hence my anxiety issues* I look like I am losing weight, my clothes tell me I am losing weight, but the scale says differently. Oh well, at least I know that I can do this diet. I have already found my protein shakes & bars that I want to eat. *tastes just like a candy bar* We have the pudding ready & B says she will make me soup & help me with the other things I need.

I don’t know what I would do without the support from everyone. It means the world to me. Both my online friends & offline friends & family are just the best.

That is where everything stands.

Weight Loss – Moving Forward

So I had my consult with the Weight Loss Surgical Center yesterday. They agreed that since I have tried just about everything the last thing for me to do is bariatric surgery. This is not a step I consider light or easy. I am currently scared to death & on the verge of saying fuck it & just letting myself go. Yes, I know that is not an option, so I guess I am stuck with surgery.

So I am going to get the gastric sleeve. I feel it will be the best option for me. I am not a compulsive eater, nor do I overeat a lot. I just don’t eat the “right” things. Basically, the surgeon is going to remove about 75% of my stomach & leave me with a banana shaped stomach. That is it. Since my main problem is that I am always hungry, I am thinking that this will help fix the issue.

Now come the part I am not horribly comfortable with. I am currently at 391 pounds. I don’t feel good, nor do I like how I look. Do not get the idea that I am not healthy though. Yes, I am pre-diabetic but have been that for over 10 years. I don’t have high blood pressure, or any other main weight caused illnesses. I just don’t feel good. It is hard for me to move around & do the things I want to do. The photos below is me. In my fat goddess fullness. Most of those were from my father’s wedding & I am actually bigger then this now. These are from last October through December. I don’t like photos so I don’t take them. I do plan on taking photos every other week going through this loss. This is why I am doing this. I can’t take this look anymore.

So fair warning to all of you. I am going to turn into a royal bitch. Anytime I am kept away from my food then I am horrible. So if I snap at you online, bitch at you, or just seem rude, please forgive me. I will get better, I promise.

We are going to work my way into the liquid diet for weight loss & getting used to not having my carbs & such. Giving up the sugar is not really a *huge* thing cause I have gotten used to eating a diabetic diet due to Mom having diabetes.

The HUGE upside??? If I lose the weight Brenda said that as my quick reward (big reward explained down the page) will be a trip to New York City. It will be just the two of us, but we are starting to get along quite well. She still has the things that irritate the hell out of me, but at the same time, I don’t have much choice in the matter. We both want to go to the history museum, shopping, a show, FAO toy store, etc. Thinking of just a quick three-day trip. The big reward??? ENGLAND!!!!! Yep, if I can fit in a damn plane there is no way in hell I am not going to England. Brenda also says she will take us to Paris (she wants to go) also. I am so excited for both of these, I just need to remember that there are HUGE plus sides to giving up my food.

So hopefully be back in a couple of week on this topic with more horrible pics for you. Wish me luck & support cause I am going to need it.

Celestarium WIP

So I was knitting on my Celestarium at the office the other day. A fellow part-time knitter came in & was looking at the picture & the chart & asked:

How do you manage to keep things in order & not lose your place? You put it down & pick it up all the time & I don’t see how you don’t lose your place.

I figured that if I got one question on how I do it, then there are probably others that want to know also. So I shall spill my techniques for keeping track of where I am & how I never (or rarely) lose my spot.

This is a picture of the chart for Celestarium. All credit for the design & such goes to Audry Nicklin. None of it is my doing. So you see all the circle & slashes? Yep, those are special stitches that have to be placed correctly. So how do I manage to handle putting the shawl down often? Simple. I’ll show you.

First, you find a suitable pattern holder. In this instance, Shiloh is being a sweetheart & holding the chart for me. Otherwise I use my magnetic chart holder (this one) or I lay it on top of my laptop keyboard & use a ruler to show my lines. Once I get done with one page (one round is spread over multiple pages) I put a line through the section that I just did. You can see the lines on the paper that is showing what round number I am on.

Next is the fun part. If you look at a knitting chart grid there will be bold lines & non-bold lines. Normally, the bold lines mark 10 stitches. So if you look at the photo on the left you will notice I have three different types of markers & then two different color of the ringers *I threw some of the triangles in so that the silver ringers were more noticeable). Here is how I do it. Look at the right photo above. You will notice that I have silver ringers (or triangles) every ten (10) stitches. You will also see a purple removable stitch marker hanging off of one of the silver ringers. That purple marker is telling me that is where 100 stitches is at. Then you notice the brown (bronze) ringer. That one tells me that I have finished one section (or page) of the chart. Sounds complicated right? It is setting it up sometimes, but I have yet to get lost in my pattern. If I forget where I am at then all I have to do is count the silver ringers from the section start & I know right where I am. When I have to double the stitches then I just add more silver or brown markers where they need to go. I have done this for the entire WIP & I have yet to lose my place. There is one final thing you don’t necessarily need it, but it is helpful & funner if you have it. You can even have more than one if you are up to it.

Helpers!!! Yep, it is fun to have them sitting by you while you knit. Allie is a wonderful helper. She is there to give me kisses of encouragement & cuddles when I need them.

So that is how I am working with Celestarium or any big project that has a lot of stitches or patterns in it. Hope this helps anyone that may need it.

Big Changes

I had a shock last week. I went to my psychologist for my three-month check-in. (She wants to make sure I am not any crazier then I was before, lol) Part of the appointment is getting vitals. I hadn’t stepped on a scale for about two weeks, so I wasn’t horribly worried. I knew I was probably still in the 380 – 390 scale. Nope, I hit 401lbs! This was the last straw. I have been on weight watchers for over six months & I do exercise (probably not as much as I should, but I do). I don’t eat more than I should (honestly, I think I eat less than I should) & what I eat isn’t all that bad except for one day of the week when I have Chinese food.

So after a long & hard talk with the family, I have an appointment to talk to my primary care doctor & thankfully B is going to go with me. From there I am hoping to get a referral to a bariatric specialist. I want to make sure that there isn’t anything medically wrong with me. If there isn’t then I am going to start the ball rolling towards surgery. Do I like the idea? Hell no. Do I want to do it? Hell no. Am I giving myself a choice in the matter? Hell no. I can not continue to gain weight like this. I have shot up over 20lbs in just three months.

Even as a baby I have never been “normal” weight. I have always been morbidly obese. I grew to accept that & learned to love my body. Am I going to run around in skimpy outfits because I love my body? No I have more self-respect then that. But I also know when enough is enough. When the scale hit 401lbs that was enough. I have been trying to lose weight since the scale hit 350lbs, I haven’t had any luck. Oh, I lose a few here & there but nothing major. I lost a total of 12lbs while in the summer doing water aerobics, but there is no indoor pool close to my town. If I join a gym that has it then I would have to drive 45 minutes to get there, all classes are at 8am (which means I would have to get up around 6am. Ok, not a huge deal right? I have insomnia, I normally don’t get to sleep until three or four in the morning & that is if I am lucky. I can’t wake up at 6am & function properly. I have tried. I normally don’t wake completely up until about 11am. In college I never scheduled any “difficult” class until the afternoon when I knew I would be awake. I took my accounting1, history, science, etc. classes. Anyhoo, back to my point, waking up at 6am is not an option. Even in high school when I had P.E. I never lost weight. This was with jogging three times a week (around a basketball court five times), stomach crunches, plus weight training. I never lost a pound. I ate fruits & veggies for my snacks & cut the soda. Didn’t help then, it doesn’t help now. Diets & exercises just don’t help me lose weight. Hence, why I think there is something metabolically wrong with me. If there is nothing then I will take the next step. I am scared to death, but I know if I don’t do something then I am going to go to an early grave.

Then comes in my mental issues. I have to remember my limitations & what I will have to “pay”2 for what I have chosen to do. For example: If I go shopping alone (i.e. Wal-Mart, Michael’s, Barnes & Noble, etc) I will have at least 3 panic attacks of varying strengths & when I am done (if I am lucky & not hiding in the bathroom) one or two attacks that are so bad I will have to “hide3” for a time before being able to move. Ok, so usually after about an hour of, “ok, the fight or flight rush is gone” I get slammed with the pain, numbness, & brain fog from the attacks. This is why I limit my shopping trips that I go on by myself. I must have someone else with me. Normally, I don’t need them to do anything other than if they notice I am starting to have issues they will just talk to me & help me calm down. Plus, they can drive if I have a seizure. So someone would have to come with me to the classes. B is not a morning person & she rarely goes to bed before 6am as it is. So she isn’t able to go either. Dad has to work at 09am & he won’t do the classes with me. It helps more if I am not the only one that doing what I am doing. Basically, I need a work out buddy. Unfortunately, I have no friends that live close enough to me to do this.

These are not excuses. These are the absolute hard truths. I can do it at home if I had the energy to do it. I don’t. Every physical activity I do I pay for with more pain on top of the pain I live with every single day. I ask you, if every time you put your foot down while taking a walk or any kind of movement, it felt like knives were slicing the soles of your feet to shreds would you be able to continue to walk? I doubt it. I am willing to do it if I know the weight will come off fairly quickly. If I could lose about 30 to 50 pounds, I think I would be able to handle exercise easier. But if I can lose more & actually get to about 200 – 250 what is the worst that can happen?4

1 Yes, I know accounting is difficult for most people. I have been around it for over thirty years, so there isn’t much that I can grasp quickly. To be fair, I was passing the actual accountants that were in the course getting a refresher. Trust me, that didn’t make me the most liked person in that class.

2 For me everything I do that is beyond my limitations will cause panic attacks, anxiety attacks, pseudo seizures (which will then have people calling the ambulance & then even more attacks, it is a vicious cycle.)

3 For me hiding is someplace I can sit without anyone else being around me. This lets me calm my heart & my mind. Usually takes me about three minutes, but can take as long as an hour for it to work. Normally, if I am in public I will be hiding in the bathroom, if I am not there then I am in my car at the end of the parking lot where there is no other cars. These are also the places I will go when I know I have a seizure building in my head.

4 Worst? I hate my new body & want my curves back. I lose my friends cause they are used to the fat person I used to be. Have so much excess skin & can’t afford to get it removed. Have so many scars from removing the excess fat that I can’t wear the clothes I want to wear. *sigh*

Joke’s on me

I did a doozy last week. I broke my damn bed. How did I manage that one? Simple, I bent the damn frame until it separated at the joins. When you have myself (weighing in at a horrible 400lbs *more on that in a bit*), plus four dogs that weight, at least, 100lbs total, it causes for a very heavy amount to put on a damn bed frame. Then to top it off when I have insomnia I tend to roll around quite a bit. So I got a lovely surprise one morning. The bottom support went out & I went sliding from the top of the bed directly into the foot board. Since I didn’t know what happened & D & B were still asleep, I pulled the mattress & box springs off the frame & found the broken support. Once D woke up I had him come down to help me remove the frame. I got lectured about how I am not supposed to be moving heavy things (my fibro acts up every time I do & was no different this time). I thought the support just broke, but he found that the join had split. So we got that removed & then headed to Springfield to get a new metal frame. Didn’t need he headboard or the foot board, so wasn’t worried about getting anything fancy. Went to the furniture store & got what was supposed to be a queen platform metal bed frame. Well, they cobbled it together trying to get me up off the floor but it didn’t work. We tried to put it together & it was either missing pieces or we didn’t have the correct pieces. Oh well, I went on amazon & bought a Classic Brands Hercules Platform Heavy Duty Metal Bed Frame for my queen. So far I only have one problem with it. My bed before put me at about 13inches off the ground. While resting my mattresses on the floor was nice, but looked like I was some kind of hobo, lol. The frame now puts me way over 15inches off the ground.

The one on the left is my mattresses laying on the floor. The one on the right is the new frame. It is a little high, eh?
my mattresses on the ground
The footstool is for Allie & Shiloh to get up on the bed. My bed in the old house was a high one & they couldn’t jump it easily so we taught them to jump on the footstool then the bed. The pillows at the foot of the bed on the floor is for a certain little boy who is used to having a foot board to lay against. (He fell off the bed the first night it was on the floor)

I like it high up, but I am afraid it is going to be more of a problem cause I have to actually climb into the bed instead of just sit on it. But then that would be a tiny bit of exercise, right? I think I am going to have Dad help me & remove the box springs. Supposedly you don’t have to have the springs with this frame so I may try that. I don’t know if I will be able to get into the bed when my fibro acts up. *By “fibro acts up” I mean having a really bad pain flare day.* Yes, Shiloh is wearing a shirt. He will continue to wear a shirt until he learns that Pippa is not to be messed with. He like to snap at her heels & try to boss her around. He doesn’t care that she out weights him by at least 40lbs & has bit & drew blood before. He doesn’t learn his lesson. I have found that if he wears a shirt, Pippa doesn’t make skin contact hard enough to draw blood. So he is in a shirt.

If you are curious about what & how his shirts are created, I will give you a quick lesson. I buy a 12 month baby shirt (9 to 10 month is better, but are hard to find). I roll up the bottom of the backside (his tummy side) until it is above his wee-wee (he hates things touching his wee-wee though he doesn’t mind showing it off) & sew it from seam to seam. Then I take the neckline & dart it up tight enough that he won’t walk out of it, about 1.5inches. Then he has custom made doggie shirts. For girls, I do the same thing with the neckline, but not the rolling of the hem.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with my psychiatrist (I am so fucked up I only see her once every three months). I had to have vitals & got a surprise of my life. Thought I was doing so damn good with my weight. I knew I hadn’t lost much, but I thought I had maintained where I was. Nope. I now weight 401lbs. Someone just shoot me now. I have no idea how this is going to be handled. B says that she is going to go with me to Dr. Thomas (primary care) & hopefully get me sent to a bariatric specialist to see what they can do to help me. I don’t want surgery, but at the same time I don’t want to wind up 600lbs or more. Diets don’t work for me & it seems no matter how much I exercise nothing happens. I know how to eat & I eat pretty damn good according to the food pyramid. I do splurge once a week, but it isn’t horrible. I don’t eat all the time & my snacks are normally fruit or nuts. I do know I eat too many carbs, but even those I eat more good carbs then bad carbs. My problem is me metabolism is so damn slow. I refuse to do anything that makes me sick or running to the bathroom all the time. I don’t want to do lap band, bypass, or any surgery like that. Personally, I don’t think I would be a candidate & I don’t choose to give up my lifestyle.

It isn’t what I put in my mouth it is how quickly my body handles the food. This is gross, but true. My mother & I ate out & somehow managed to get food poisoning. She had the vomiting & diarrhea. I only had the vomiting. Three days later I got the diarrhea. My doctor (I did go cause I couldn’t stop) informed me that it was probably because it took my body three days to process the food. If that is the case then is it any wonder why I have a upset stomach all the damn time. Food is sitting in it for three days (honestly, don’t know if I believe the doctor or not). I don’t over eat (I rarely am hungry at all). I have my small portions & that is all I eat. Yes, I may eat two peanut butter & jelly sandwiches in the morning, but that is all I am eating until supper.

My food for a day usually consists of this: 2 eggs, sausage, one biscuit, a little gravy (by a little I am meaning about 2 tablespoons) for breakfast & 16oz of mountain dew (my one cheat for the day). For lunch I either have a ham sandwich or a pb&j with 16oz of Sprite Zero (there ain’t nothing in it). There is no snack between breakfast & lunch, but there is usually about 20 oz of water. Then around 3pm I normally will have a snack of 5 chocolate covered peanuts, 6 semi-sweet chocolate chips (the kind you put in cookies) *my favorite*, 4 graham crackers, an apple, a banana, or 1/2 cup of grapes. (yes, this is what I eat every day). Also in between lunch & dinner is at least 20oz of water. Supper I normally eat a small portion of potatoes or a starch, about 6oz of meat, medium portion of veggies, & a medium amount of salad if it is made. Also for the rest of the night I will drink about 20oz or more of water, tea, or Sprite Zero. Now you tell me, is this that bad??????

I exercise as much as I can. As long as I am not having a pain flare day I am pretty good. I walk, climb stairs & run my bike. It isn’t working though. Even when I was doing water aerobics I only lost 6lbs in 4 months & I was restricting my diet even more then.

I told you all I am severally fucked up. I don’t have the strength for this fight on top of all the other fights I deal with every day. I am so tired of fighting. I fight with myself the minute I wake up to the second I fall asleep at night.

I am so close to just giving it all up. I am having a hard time finding the reason to continue the fight.

I’ll keep you posted on what happens.

Stitch Markers


As you all know I love to knit. I even dabble in crochet every blue moon. There are a few tools that make knitting easier. One of those is the adorable stitch marker.

Stitch Marker: a mnemonic device used to distinguish important locations on a work in progress. Knitting & crochet patterns have a mathematical basis, so stitch markers serve as a visual reference that takes the place of continuous stitch counting and reduces a crafter’s error rate.

Ok, so I am going to go into how I name them & what my opinion of each type that I have. These are the names I call them & I am not sure if it is the “norm” name for them.

From left to right: Closed soft marker, tri markers, closed dangles, ringers, & safety pins

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