Food Diary 04-11-15

Calorie Intake: 1500 or below

HA!  Didn’t happen by a long shot. Failed horribly today. Honestly, I don’t care.  I wanted every bit that I ate & don’t feel guilty about it.


Description Calories Carbs
 Coffee  2  0
 Carnation Instant Nonfat Dry Milk, 3 tbsp  45  7
Total  47  7
Description Calories Carbs
 Freddy’s French Fries, 1 regular  489 57
 Freedy’s Grilled Chicken Sandwich  350  28
 Mini Strawberry Cheesecake Concrete 373  39
Total  1212  124
Description Calories Carbs
 Chicken Domburi  539  100
 Gyoza  236  22
 Philly Roll, 6 pieces  270  30
 Tiramisu  480 64
Total  1525  216
Description Calories Carbs
Daily Total  2784  347


I will have one more meal this size or larger next week when it is my birthday celebration. I am a little afraid that I am going to get my surgery notification this week & then it will be on liquid diets & I won’t get my birthday celebration. Sushi I can have after surgery, the chicken domburi I can’t (the rice is a no-no). That is going to kill me I think I love rice & chicken domburi is my fav so yeah, I am eating it all right now, lol.

This is not a normal day for me. I normally would not eat the ice cream or the desserts. The supper would normally just be chicken Domburi & a salad. I wanted the gyoza & the sushi.

As for the fries? Well, I blame that on being a woman with hormones. *hint: I am getting ready for something*

Protein Powder Review – Nature’s Best Isopure Zero Carb

Nature’s Best – Isopure Zero Carb

  • Total Calories – 210
  • Calories From Fat – 10
  • Total Fat – 1g
  • Saturated Fat – 0.5g
  • Cholesterol – 5mg
  • Sodium – 320mg

  • Potassium – 750mg
  • Total Carbohydrates – 0g
  • Dietary Fiber – 0g
  • Sugars – 0g
  • Protein – 50g

Shake Ingredients

  • 1/3 cup- Non-Fat Dry Milk (this adds 80 calories & 8g of protein)
  • 12oz water
  • Nature’s Best – Isopure Zero Carb Vanilla from Nashua Nutrition

My Review

I was having high hopes for this protein cause it is no carbs & I can use that help in cutting my carbs, lol. The first thing I noticed once I mixed the protein with the water (seeing if it was a clear liquid) was the smell. It, honestly, smells like old moldy vegetables. Not the most appetizing thing to smell. I tried it before adding the dry milk & it also tasted like it smelled. It was quite gross. I added the dry milk to try & help the smell & flavor. Nope, didn’t help. I love the amount of protein (50g) in each serving, but I just don’t think I could handle drinking it all the time. About halfway through the 12oz of it, my stomach did a flip-flop telling me it didn’t like it either. So this is a definite no-go for the future. I am afraid if I had to drink it often, I may not be able to keep it down.

My Ratings

  • Taste: 3/10
  • Consistently: 7/10
  • Smell: 1/10
  • Stomach feeling: 3/10
  • Buy again?: NO

Surgery Update

Ok, I have not gotten the surgery yet. I am still waiting on approval from Medicaid & the surgeons. I don’t see any issue with it being approved though. I have the agreements of my primary care & shrink for the surgery. I am hoping for surgery the first part of May.

B & D are taking off for Vegas (without me) in April. Even leaving me alone for my birthday (first time I have ever been alone on my birthday). Not entirely happy about it, but what can I do about it? Just hopefully, I will be able to celebrate it in style (sushi & martinis) the weekend before!

The next fun thing is that I am on a 1500 calorie diet (before was 2000). Wanna guess how much weight I have lost???????? NONE! I have actually gained 3 lbs. Aaargh!!!! *pull my hair out* Brenda says not to worry about it, but I do. I worry about everything. *hence my anxiety issues* I look like I am losing weight, my clothes tell me I am losing weight, but the scale says differently. Oh well, at least I know that I can do this diet. I have already found my protein shakes & bars that I want to eat. *tastes just like a candy bar* We have the pudding ready & B says she will make me soup & help me with the other things I need.

I don’t know what I would do without the support from everyone. It means the world to me. Both my online friends & offline friends & family are just the best.

That is where everything stands.

Weight Loss – Moving Forward

So I had my consult with the Weight Loss Surgical Center yesterday. They agreed that since I have tried just about everything the last thing for me to do is bariatric surgery. This is not a step I consider light or easy. I am currently scared to death & on the verge of saying fuck it & just letting myself go. Yes, I know that is not an option, so I guess I am stuck with surgery.

So I am going to get the gastric sleeve. I feel it will be the best option for me. I am not a compulsive eater, nor do I overeat a lot. I just don’t eat the “right” things. Basically, the surgeon is going to remove about 75% of my stomach & leave me with a banana shaped stomach. That is it. Since my main problem is that I am always hungry, I am thinking that this will help fix the issue.

Now come the part I am not horribly comfortable with. I am currently at 391 pounds. I don’t feel good, nor do I like how I look. Do not get the idea that I am not healthy though. Yes, I am pre-diabetic but have been that for over 10 years. I don’t have high blood pressure, or any other main weight caused illnesses. I just don’t feel good. It is hard for me to move around & do the things I want to do. The photos below is me. In my fat goddess fullness. Most of those were from my father’s wedding & I am actually bigger then this now. These are from last October through December. I don’t like photos so I don’t take them. I do plan on taking photos every other week going through this loss. This is why I am doing this. I can’t take this look anymore.

So fair warning to all of you. I am going to turn into a royal bitch. Anytime I am kept away from my food then I am horrible. So if I snap at you online, bitch at you, or just seem rude, please forgive me. I will get better, I promise.

We are going to work my way into the liquid diet for weight loss & getting used to not having my carbs & such. Giving up the sugar is not really a *huge* thing cause I have gotten used to eating a diabetic diet due to Mom having diabetes.

The HUGE upside??? If I lose the weight Brenda said that as my quick reward (big reward explained down the page) will be a trip to New York City. It will be just the two of us, but we are starting to get along quite well. She still has the things that irritate the hell out of me, but at the same time, I don’t have much choice in the matter. We both want to go to the history museum, shopping, a show, FAO toy store, etc. Thinking of just a quick three-day trip. The big reward??? ENGLAND!!!!! Yep, if I can fit in a damn plane there is no way in hell I am not going to England. Brenda also says she will take us to Paris (she wants to go) also. I am so excited for both of these, I just need to remember that there are HUGE plus sides to giving up my food.

So hopefully be back in a couple of week on this topic with more horrible pics for you. Wish me luck & support cause I am going to need it.

Celestarium WIP

So I was knitting on my Celestarium at the office the other day. A fellow part-time knitter came in & was looking at the picture & the chart & asked:

How do you manage to keep things in order & not lose your place? You put it down & pick it up all the time & I don’t see how you don’t lose your place.

I figured that if I got one question on how I do it, then there are probably others that want to know also. So I shall spill my techniques for keeping track of where I am & how I never (or rarely) lose my spot.

This is a picture of the chart for Celestarium. All credit for the design & such goes to Audry Nicklin. None of it is my doing. So you see all the circle & slashes? Yep, those are special stitches that have to be placed correctly. So how do I manage to handle putting the shawl down often? Simple. I’ll show you.

First, you find a suitable pattern holder. In this instance, Shiloh is being a sweetheart & holding the chart for me. Otherwise I use my magnetic chart holder (this one) or I lay it on top of my laptop keyboard & use a ruler to show my lines. Once I get done with one page (one round is spread over multiple pages) I put a line through the section that I just did. You can see the lines on the paper that is showing what round number I am on.

Next is the fun part. If you look at a knitting chart grid there will be bold lines & non-bold lines. Normally, the bold lines mark 10 stitches. So if you look at the photo on the left you will notice I have three different types of markers & then two different color of the ringers *I threw some of the triangles in so that the silver ringers were more noticeable). Here is how I do it. Look at the right photo above. You will notice that I have silver ringers (or triangles) every ten (10) stitches. You will also see a purple removable stitch marker hanging off of one of the silver ringers. That purple marker is telling me that is where 100 stitches is at. Then you notice the brown (bronze) ringer. That one tells me that I have finished one section (or page) of the chart. Sounds complicated right? It is setting it up sometimes, but I have yet to get lost in my pattern. If I forget where I am at then all I have to do is count the silver ringers from the section start & I know right where I am. When I have to double the stitches then I just add more silver or brown markers where they need to go. I have done this for the entire WIP & I have yet to lose my place. There is one final thing you don’t necessarily need it, but it is helpful & funner if you have it. You can even have more than one if you are up to it.

Helpers!!! Yep, it is fun to have them sitting by you while you knit. Allie is a wonderful helper. She is there to give me kisses of encouragement & cuddles when I need them.

So that is how I am working with Celestarium or any big project that has a lot of stitches or patterns in it. Hope this helps anyone that may need it.

Big Changes

I had a shock last week. I went to my psychologist for my three-month check-in. (She wants to make sure I am not any crazier then I was before, lol) Part of the appointment is getting vitals. I hadn’t stepped on a scale for about two weeks, so I wasn’t horribly worried. I knew I was probably still in the 380 – 390 scale. Nope, I hit 401lbs! This was the last straw. I have been on weight watchers for over six months & I do exercise (probably not as much as I should, but I do). I don’t eat more than I should (honestly, I think I eat less than I should) & what I eat isn’t all that bad except for one day of the week when I have Chinese food.

So after a long & hard talk with the family, I have an appointment to talk to my primary care doctor & thankfully B is going to go with me. From there I am hoping to get a referral to a bariatric specialist. I want to make sure that there isn’t anything medically wrong with me. If there isn’t then I am going to start the ball rolling towards surgery. Do I like the idea? Hell no. Do I want to do it? Hell no. Am I giving myself a choice in the matter? Hell no. I can not continue to gain weight like this. I have shot up over 20lbs in just three months.

Even as a baby I have never been “normal” weight. I have always been morbidly obese. I grew to accept that & learned to love my body. Am I going to run around in skimpy outfits because I love my body? No I have more self-respect then that. But I also know when enough is enough. When the scale hit 401lbs that was enough. I have been trying to lose weight since the scale hit 350lbs, I haven’t had any luck. Oh, I lose a few here & there but nothing major. I lost a total of 12lbs while in the summer doing water aerobics, but there is no indoor pool close to my town. If I join a gym that has it then I would have to drive 45 minutes to get there, all classes are at 8am (which means I would have to get up around 6am. Ok, not a huge deal right? I have insomnia, I normally don’t get to sleep until three or four in the morning & that is if I am lucky. I can’t wake up at 6am & function properly. I have tried. I normally don’t wake completely up until about 11am. In college I never scheduled any “difficult” class until the afternoon when I knew I would be awake. I took my accounting1, history, science, etc. classes. Anyhoo, back to my point, waking up at 6am is not an option. Even in high school when I had P.E. I never lost weight. This was with jogging three times a week (around a basketball court five times), stomach crunches, plus weight training. I never lost a pound. I ate fruits & veggies for my snacks & cut the soda. Didn’t help then, it doesn’t help now. Diets & exercises just don’t help me lose weight. Hence, why I think there is something metabolically wrong with me. If there is nothing then I will take the next step. I am scared to death, but I know if I don’t do something then I am going to go to an early grave.

Then comes in my mental issues. I have to remember my limitations & what I will have to “pay”2 for what I have chosen to do. For example: If I go shopping alone (i.e. Wal-Mart, Michael’s, Barnes & Noble, etc) I will have at least 3 panic attacks of varying strengths & when I am done (if I am lucky & not hiding in the bathroom) one or two attacks that are so bad I will have to “hide3” for a time before being able to move. Ok, so usually after about an hour of, “ok, the fight or flight rush is gone” I get slammed with the pain, numbness, & brain fog from the attacks. This is why I limit my shopping trips that I go on by myself. I must have someone else with me. Normally, I don’t need them to do anything other than if they notice I am starting to have issues they will just talk to me & help me calm down. Plus, they can drive if I have a seizure. So someone would have to come with me to the classes. B is not a morning person & she rarely goes to bed before 6am as it is. So she isn’t able to go either. Dad has to work at 09am & he won’t do the classes with me. It helps more if I am not the only one that doing what I am doing. Basically, I need a work out buddy. Unfortunately, I have no friends that live close enough to me to do this.

These are not excuses. These are the absolute hard truths. I can do it at home if I had the energy to do it. I don’t. Every physical activity I do I pay for with more pain on top of the pain I live with every single day. I ask you, if every time you put your foot down while taking a walk or any kind of movement, it felt like knives were slicing the soles of your feet to shreds would you be able to continue to walk? I doubt it. I am willing to do it if I know the weight will come off fairly quickly. If I could lose about 30 to 50 pounds, I think I would be able to handle exercise easier. But if I can lose more & actually get to about 200 – 250 what is the worst that can happen?4

1 Yes, I know accounting is difficult for most people. I have been around it for over thirty years, so there isn’t much that I can grasp quickly. To be fair, I was passing the actual accountants that were in the course getting a refresher. Trust me, that didn’t make me the most liked person in that class.

2 For me everything I do that is beyond my limitations will cause panic attacks, anxiety attacks, pseudo seizures (which will then have people calling the ambulance & then even more attacks, it is a vicious cycle.)

3 For me hiding is someplace I can sit without anyone else being around me. This lets me calm my heart & my mind. Usually takes me about three minutes, but can take as long as an hour for it to work. Normally, if I am in public I will be hiding in the bathroom, if I am not there then I am in my car at the end of the parking lot where there is no other cars. These are also the places I will go when I know I have a seizure building in my head.

4 Worst? I hate my new body & want my curves back. I lose my friends cause they are used to the fat person I used to be. Have so much excess skin & can’t afford to get it removed. Have so many scars from removing the excess fat that I can’t wear the clothes I want to wear. *sigh*

Joke’s on me

I did a doozy last week. I broke my damn bed. How did I manage that one? Simple, I bent the damn frame until it separated at the joins. When you have myself (weighing in at a horrible 400lbs *more on that in a bit*), plus four dogs that weight, at least, 100lbs total, it causes for a very heavy amount to put on a damn bed frame. Then to top it off when I have insomnia I tend to roll around quite a bit. So I got a lovely surprise one morning. The bottom support went out & I went sliding from the top of the bed directly into the foot board. Since I didn’t know what happened & D & B were still asleep, I pulled the mattress & box springs off the frame & found the broken support. Once D woke up I had him come down to help me remove the frame. I got lectured about how I am not supposed to be moving heavy things (my fibro acts up every time I do & was no different this time). I thought the support just broke, but he found that the join had split. So we got that removed & then headed to Springfield to get a new metal frame. Didn’t need he headboard or the foot board, so wasn’t worried about getting anything fancy. Went to the furniture store & got what was supposed to be a queen platform metal bed frame. Well, they cobbled it together trying to get me up off the floor but it didn’t work. We tried to put it together & it was either missing pieces or we didn’t have the correct pieces. Oh well, I went on amazon & bought a Classic Brands Hercules Platform Heavy Duty Metal Bed Frame for my queen. So far I only have one problem with it. My bed before put me at about 13inches off the ground. While resting my mattresses on the floor was nice, but looked like I was some kind of hobo, lol. The frame now puts me way over 15inches off the ground.

The one on the left is my mattresses laying on the floor. The one on the right is the new frame. It is a little high, eh?
my mattresses on the ground
The footstool is for Allie & Shiloh to get up on the bed. My bed in the old house was a high one & they couldn’t jump it easily so we taught them to jump on the footstool then the bed. The pillows at the foot of the bed on the floor is for a certain little boy who is used to having a foot board to lay against. (He fell off the bed the first night it was on the floor)

I like it high up, but I am afraid it is going to be more of a problem cause I have to actually climb into the bed instead of just sit on it. But then that would be a tiny bit of exercise, right? I think I am going to have Dad help me & remove the box springs. Supposedly you don’t have to have the springs with this frame so I may try that. I don’t know if I will be able to get into the bed when my fibro acts up. *By “fibro acts up” I mean having a really bad pain flare day.* Yes, Shiloh is wearing a shirt. He will continue to wear a shirt until he learns that Pippa is not to be messed with. He like to snap at her heels & try to boss her around. He doesn’t care that she out weights him by at least 40lbs & has bit & drew blood before. He doesn’t learn his lesson. I have found that if he wears a shirt, Pippa doesn’t make skin contact hard enough to draw blood. So he is in a shirt.

If you are curious about what & how his shirts are created, I will give you a quick lesson. I buy a 12 month baby shirt (9 to 10 month is better, but are hard to find). I roll up the bottom of the backside (his tummy side) until it is above his wee-wee (he hates things touching his wee-wee though he doesn’t mind showing it off) & sew it from seam to seam. Then I take the neckline & dart it up tight enough that he won’t walk out of it, about 1.5inches. Then he has custom made doggie shirts. For girls, I do the same thing with the neckline, but not the rolling of the hem.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with my psychiatrist (I am so fucked up I only see her once every three months). I had to have vitals & got a surprise of my life. Thought I was doing so damn good with my weight. I knew I hadn’t lost much, but I thought I had maintained where I was. Nope. I now weight 401lbs. Someone just shoot me now. I have no idea how this is going to be handled. B says that she is going to go with me to Dr. Thomas (primary care) & hopefully get me sent to a bariatric specialist to see what they can do to help me. I don’t want surgery, but at the same time I don’t want to wind up 600lbs or more. Diets don’t work for me & it seems no matter how much I exercise nothing happens. I know how to eat & I eat pretty damn good according to the food pyramid. I do splurge once a week, but it isn’t horrible. I don’t eat all the time & my snacks are normally fruit or nuts. I do know I eat too many carbs, but even those I eat more good carbs then bad carbs. My problem is me metabolism is so damn slow. I refuse to do anything that makes me sick or running to the bathroom all the time. I don’t want to do lap band, bypass, or any surgery like that. Personally, I don’t think I would be a candidate & I don’t choose to give up my lifestyle.

It isn’t what I put in my mouth it is how quickly my body handles the food. This is gross, but true. My mother & I ate out & somehow managed to get food poisoning. She had the vomiting & diarrhea. I only had the vomiting. Three days later I got the diarrhea. My doctor (I did go cause I couldn’t stop) informed me that it was probably because it took my body three days to process the food. If that is the case then is it any wonder why I have a upset stomach all the damn time. Food is sitting in it for three days (honestly, don’t know if I believe the doctor or not). I don’t over eat (I rarely am hungry at all). I have my small portions & that is all I eat. Yes, I may eat two peanut butter & jelly sandwiches in the morning, but that is all I am eating until supper.

My food for a day usually consists of this: 2 eggs, sausage, one biscuit, a little gravy (by a little I am meaning about 2 tablespoons) for breakfast & 16oz of mountain dew (my one cheat for the day). For lunch I either have a ham sandwich or a pb&j with 16oz of Sprite Zero (there ain’t nothing in it). There is no snack between breakfast & lunch, but there is usually about 20 oz of water. Then around 3pm I normally will have a snack of 5 chocolate covered peanuts, 6 semi-sweet chocolate chips (the kind you put in cookies) *my favorite*, 4 graham crackers, an apple, a banana, or 1/2 cup of grapes. (yes, this is what I eat every day). Also in between lunch & dinner is at least 20oz of water. Supper I normally eat a small portion of potatoes or a starch, about 6oz of meat, medium portion of veggies, & a medium amount of salad if it is made. Also for the rest of the night I will drink about 20oz or more of water, tea, or Sprite Zero. Now you tell me, is this that bad??????

I exercise as much as I can. As long as I am not having a pain flare day I am pretty good. I walk, climb stairs & run my bike. It isn’t working though. Even when I was doing water aerobics I only lost 6lbs in 4 months & I was restricting my diet even more then.

I told you all I am severally fucked up. I don’t have the strength for this fight on top of all the other fights I deal with every day. I am so tired of fighting. I fight with myself the minute I wake up to the second I fall asleep at night.

I am so close to just giving it all up. I am having a hard time finding the reason to continue the fight.

I’ll keep you posted on what happens.