Ranting Time

I am very upset, so in order to move beyond it, I have to blow it. I got word from my attorney that I needed to get a physican’s form filled out for my pseudo seizures. Ummm….hello! The seizures are from my other problems. But the judge wasn’t interested in that. So I had an appointment this morning with my primary care doctor & was informed that if I wanted him to fill the form out I had to agree to go see a psychiatrist. WTF! Now, I am not saying that psychiatrists are wrong or anything, but I have only known of one psychiatrist that didn’t play mind games. I don’t want to play mind games with a shrink, but I have no other choice. So doctor is setting that up. Don’t know who, when, or where I will be going. I guess I will just consider it a part of expanding my mind. Oh, I will try, but I don’t talk to strangers. No amount of talking is going to cure me. But Dad did a 180 & agreed with the doctor about the psychiatrist. Love that about him. *being snarky* Also put me on a new med for my anxiety & panic attacks. This one is supposed to help me sleep. I am getting the feeling that everyone thinks I am lying about my problems.

I have forty days to file this appeal. In this time I am supposed to get the doctor to fill it out, find a psychiatrist (that I am comfortable with), & get used to a new medication. Have I mentioned that I don’t like psychiatrists? I hate being forced to do something I don’t want to do.

I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t work, but the doctor, lawyer, & judge all seem to think I can. If I don’t get the disability now, then I have to get a job for at least seven years in order to get more “quarters”. What the hell am I supposed to do when Dad dies? I can’t support myself & I am not about to ask my mother’s family to support me.

I just don’t know what to do.

What is this?

SQUEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! I know what it is. My Yarn is finally here. Yay!!!! So without further ado, here is what I got:

Hev’s Douceur

For my shawl I am going to use the pattern: Douceur {pattern} {Designer}


The black, dark grey, & light grey are the main colors & the pink is my accent color. I can’t wait to start this.

Doe Eyes

This is going to be a “normal” sized shawl that I probably will wind up either giving it away, making a contest, or selling it. But nothing has been decided yet.

{pattern} {Designer}

I may still change the pattern around. I have chosen ten different patterns before coming back to this one.

Hev’s Socks

My turn for sock colors. I am not stuffy (tease) like dad is so I have multi-colored ones. I haven’t choose a pattern for these yet, but if the heel works on Dad’s sock that I am working on, then I will just use the same heel pattern & the pattern for the top & cuff of the sock.

Dye Job

I found out that you can dye yarn with Kool-Aid. So I got some bare superwash wool to try it on. Now I just have to determine what color & do I want to try variegated yarn.

I have other things, but this is probably enough about knitting for this post. LOL

Finally Finished

After about five (5) months I have finally gotten finished with Meggan’s son’s overalls. If you remember from this post (Found my test subject), I am borrowing Meggan’s son, Wesley, for this knit. The goal was to see if I could actually create clothing. Since I was a “new” knitter I wasn’t for sure that I could do it. Well, I proved to myself that I could & that I was decent at it. So behold the final pics of the overalls. They were shipped out to Meggan on Friday (only time I had free this week).

In other knitting news I have started & worked almost halfway through a baby blanket. No, I am not having a baby *thank goodness*. We eat at a sushi restaurant just about every week. Haruno’s is the one place that is relaxing & fun at the same time. Plus, they have sushi & that is the one meal that doesn’t make me sick to my stomach. *here’s hoping that Jerrett doesn’t read this, lol* Well, we tend to make friends with the managers & waitresses (in this case they are all girls except for one manager) so it is not unusal for us to spend two to four hours there talking with everyone. Well, I found out that Jarrett got re-married & that they are expecting a baby boy in May. Well, instead of just buying him a baby present I thought I would put my new found skills (April 2012 will be one year) of knitting to use. So after about ten different yarns (lol, I mean about 3) being tried for softness & ease of washing I finally settled on Bernat Baby Blanket in Funny Print. The main color is white, but it has flecks of green & blue. Was going to do it in blue only, but thought that this was prettier. The best part is that the yarn is “super bulky” weight & I can knit it with US15 needles. (in other words, fast knit) I have only been working on it solidly for about four days & I am already almost (lack about 2 inches) ready to start the decreases. I knitted it on the diagonal so that I could get it finished quickly. Just in case, little one comes early. Want to see the pics? Sure you do. *wink*

Other then that I am knitting up socks (again). Oh, I also managed to knit cables without losing everything. I am so very happy about that. There are so many designs I want to make that uses cables & I just need to work on getting rid of the cable needle, lol. But I am so proud of myself for actually knitting cables. Like an idiot I forgot to take pictures.

Till next time…..bye!

Disability Hearing

I had my last hearing on the sixth of this month. Already I have received my verdict. Not disabled. What the hell? I was sitting in the courtroom having panic attacks & I even knew my lawyer. I have just about reached my breaking point with this. I can’t work, but yet according to the judge, I can. Hmmm…let’s see.

Would your employer keep you employed if:

  1. You were consistently late due to having anxiety or panic attacks on the way to work?
  2. Anytime someone in the office sounded upset or mad, you would go hide in the bathroom or your car, whether you were the problem or not?
  3. Whenever someone came in that didn’t work there & sometimes even the ones that did work there, sent you into a panic attack or anxiety attack?
  4. Would have to stay home three or four times a week, just because you couldn’t handle being outside around so many people & noise?
  5. The minute that you realized that someone relied on you to get something done sends you into a panic or anxiety attack, rendering you unable to work it
  6. Whenever the phone rings, fax comes in, or even an email, you were consistently scared to death & would have to wonder if you could handle it or where it went to. Sending you into, once again, another panic or anxiety attack.
  7. When you get to flustered (which could happen just opening the mail) you forget everything. I mean everything, how to write, how to talk, etc.
  8. If you get reprimanded, talked you, or even looked at funny, you start to cry & have a panic or anxiety attack & go hide in the bathroom or car.
  9. The chance that you could have seizures if you get too stressed out or have too many panic or anxiety attacks.
  10. The fact that you were unable to drive & had to rely on someone else to provide transportation from the country to your job, which would be at least ten minutes away, no matter what. *I live in the country boonies*

Now let me check the door to see if potential employers are lining up….

I am back. Funny, there isn’t anyone here. I thought that all those qualities up there would have them lining up.

HA! Even my father would not hire me because of those problems. My father would be about the only one that would hire me if he could. What the hell am I supposed to do when he leaves me? I don’t have any way to make an income. I have no other family to provide for me other then my father. That doesn’t go without saying, I don’t think I could handle the guilt for being unable to work. But according to the judge & decision, I should be able to work. Don’t think I haven’t tried. I have so far managed to get a job & lose it the very first day two times.

This is what is stressing me out the most. I first filed for disability six years ago. First round was denied. This time around, they are only looking at the time from last March. Huh? What happened to the previous years? My bill collectors are not happy & I don’t even want to think about how much I owe anymore.

I am just at this point where I don’t want to do anymore. I am tired of it all.