Well, Mom passed away Monday December 12, 2011 at 11:25am. I am just trying to come to terms with the fact that I am not as upset as I thought I would be. I guess it hasn’t hit me completely yet. I miss her, but she has been away in the hospital or nursing home for the last nine months. So I think it is just the simple fact that I have gotten used to living & surviving without her. Though I still have a huge feeling of that I am floating without a rock to latch onto. But I am surviving without her.
For those that don’t know. My mother was my very best friend. She would be like my sister, my mother, my grandmother, & my best friend all rolled into one. So yeah, I am very upset she is gone, but she passed the way she wanted to. All because of stubbornness & laziness. She refused to work with any form of therapy. Yep, no getting up, no sitting up. All she wanted to do was lie in bed & watch tv. Of course, she continued to try & make my life miserable.
Here is the back story. I have suffered from severe anxiety, severe agoraphobia (fear of crowds & noises), & psuedo seizures. So I am in the hospital for a month (March 14, 2011 to April 13, 2011) & finally get the ability to stay away from mom & see what happened. Well, besides the hallucinations & anxiety attacks, I got a little better. I haven’t had a full blown seizure in over six months. My anxiety level is a little lower & now that I understand why I don’t like crowds or loud noises. Since I know why I don’t like them or why it throws my anxiety into high gear. Mom was wonderful at keeping my stress level high & anxiety level high. When one or more of those are high, I get seizures. So in other words, mom was my problem & as to my understanding it was a form of mental abuse that she did. Do I blame her? nope. Am I mad at her? No. Mom wanted someone to take care of. She got me. It wasn’t horrible, but I refuse to go back to the guilt trips & the manipulation. As I am now, I can drive & remain a little independent. Though I am still unable to hold down a job due to my problems, I enjoy not having the bloody seizures all the time.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother. I would do it all over again to have her back. But I can’t. The one good thing that has come from all this is the fact that Dad & I are closer now.
So this is why this blog has sat empty for the past weeks. It may still sit for a few more weeks while I try to de-stress & feel better.