The following entry is quite emotional & some of you may not want to read it. If you do remember I never promise to be the loving, gentle person. I earned my nickname of “Cold-Hearted Bitch” for a reason. My mother taught it to me very well.
Mom is about the same. They were supposed to move her to a nursing home last week, but the dialysis center refused to accept her as a patient so she is still at Select Hospital until the case manager can find a dialysis center that will take her as a patient. Since Mom refuses to even try to stand, she has to be moved with a houri lift & that is an extra liability for them. So she may still not end up in Springfield even though there is a nursing home that will take her. But otherwise she is about the same.
You can continue reading her update if you want. As always you are free to leave your opinion & I would welcome it cause I am having a really hard time coming to terms with my feelings at the moment.
Well, Dad & I spent most of Friday through Sunday with mom as normal. Though Sunday she decided that she was finished with trying to do any therapy or anything. She informed Dad & I that if we couldn’t just come up to be with her without asking or telling her that she needed to be up. Lecturing her is what she called it. Then we didn’t need to bother coming to visit her anymore. Excuse Me? You say? Yep, you read that right. We are not supposed to ask her anything about what she has or hasn’t done, what she has or hasn’t eaten, whether she has done therapy or not, or even how she feels. She just wants us to show up & sit with her while she stares at the tv or the ceiling. Yeah right. She wants me to sit around & watch her turn into more of a vegetable then she already is. I refuse to sit around & watch my mother kill herself. I asked Dad if I was correct in the way that I understood was that Mom was letting us know that she was through being his wife & my mother. Dad agreed & told me that yes that is what she meant. So what am I supposed to feel. If she refuses to be my mother why should I take the time to visit her. Why should I take the time to make her this damn shawl when there are other things I would rather make. Why in the hell should I take time out of my life to visit this piece of human flesh that refuses to even try. There is nothing wrong with her besides her not wanting to try. She doesn’t care that she is abandoning her husband & her daughter. The thing I refuse to believe any more is that I am supposedly the most precious thing to her. Ha! If I was then she wouldn’t do this. Yeah, I know I sound selfish but unless you actually understand the relationship between my mother & me you don’t understand. This is losing my mother, best friend, sister, grandmother all rolled into one & worse. If she refuses to see herself as my mother why should I see her as anything other then another person.
I know that this sounds cruel, but I spent three years feeling suicidal when my grandmother died in 1991, I always knew that when mom died I would have a good chance of feeling that way again. But the mother I know would never give up not her. This person that is in my mother’s body is not my mother. She tells us that she is tired & that it is nice not to have to do anything or take care of anything. Just to lie in bed & do nothing. What the hell? That isn’t my mother. I can not (plus I refuse) to sit around waiting & watching her die. By not getting up or even trying that is what is going to happen. By laying in that damn bed all the time, her lungs are going to fill up with mucus again & she will die. Her doctor has told her this, but she refuses to listen to anyone but herself. I told her that I couldn’t sit there & let her die, that she didn’t raise me that way. Next thing I know I am watching her cry crocodile tears at me (her wonderful manipulations) telling me that I couldn’t leave. I told her that why would it matter, she didn’t act like she cared for either of us anymore. She abandoned her husband, her beloved dog (that is still trying to figure out what he did wrong to make her leave him), & me. I told her that I never promised to “love & cherish” father until the day I died. There was nothing stopping me from walking out the door. I am not his wife that is her promise, not mine. I told her that I would continue to visit but that I wouldn’t be staying as often or coming as much. If she chooses to become a vegetable (which is the one thing she always told me to never let her become) then I am not going to watch it happen.
Do you think I am wrong?