Monthly Archives:July 2011

Sometimes I love JoAnn's

My father looked up from his laptop & asked me what I would do for a 50% off coupon from JoAnn’s? I told him that I would not tackle him & hack into his email. He laughed & told me that he had one & I should probably check my email. So I stole his Nook (at the hospital & he had his laptop, I didn’t but his Nook will connect) & low & behold I had one to. The only kicker is that it was only good Monday through Wednesday. Hmm…Dad had meetings & would be unable to go with me. The only solo driving I had done since April 13th was to Republic. So needless to say was nervous to go by myself, but Dad told me that I would have to sometime & if I wanted another needle that this would be a perfect time to get it.

So when I woke up this morning, I told myself that I could do this & I wouldn’t have a problem WRONG! I had three blasted anxiety attacks before I even pulled out of the bloody driveway. I sat at the end of the driveway telling myself that it didn’t matter, I was still going. I was going to have a wonderful breakfast of egg Mcmuffins & then driving to Springfield. The whole time the anxious part of my brain is telling me that, “no, you will not be going. You are going back in the house & getting sick. If you go you are going to be a social moron & everyone will stare at you & you will be put on the spot. You know full & well that you will not handle that, so you might as well go on back into the house.” I am trying to hold on to that tiny part of my brain that is saying, “Go on, Hev. You can do this. Don’t listen to it. You will be just fine. No one will stare at you & you will not be put on the spot. You have done this before, so it is nothing unusual.” If you don’t have anxiety issues then this is a little bit of what those of us go through when we try to do something. The only thing is the part that is being shouted at you through a megaphone in your mind is the part telling you what your fears or what is giving you the anxiety will win. The only way to shut it up is to try to find that little mouse squeak thought that is telling you that you will be ok & try to make your mind accept that. At least, this is the way it works with me. People don’t understand why I never say that I will definitely be somewhere. Unless I can get the mouse squeak to over power the megaphone I am screwed. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t. No medicine works completely, they only help. So it is a constant battle to go out in public or do anything other then stay in the house or other “safe” places.

Anyway back to my original post, once I got calmed down & realized that I could do this & my mouse squeak became louder then the megaphone I was on my way. :dance: I got to McDonald’s ok & got my Egg McMuffins. Then bam I get slammed with a panic attack, because I notice the man in the next car was watching me. :what::OO: So I am trying to breathe in my car (I don’t eat in due to my anxiety, don’t stress it that much), while telling myself that it is ok, he was just being nosy. After about ten minutes I finally get calmed down again, but now I have to go into McDonald’s to handle the other side effect of my panic attacks. But luckily I can sneak in the back entrance which is close to the restrooms. My business finished I head on to Springfield. Take highway 60 to James River Freeway & then turn onto National Avenue to Primrose then into the Primrose Shopping Center for JoAnn’s. Get a parking spot & do a small celebratory dance cause I did it without any more panics or anxiety. :dance: So next step is to actually go into the store & pick up what I need. :yikes: I tell myself that I can do this & it is no big deal. I am a bigger bitch then anyone in there. (see where I get my attitude from?) Plus, I am as sexy as hell & no one can touch me, lol. :rock: (again attitude?) After about three minutes of self-pumping myself up, I head into JoAnn’s. I head directly to the knitting needles with almost perfect tunnel vision, lol. I pick up my US7 Circulars that I want & then I just happen to notice that they have cable needles, stitch markers, & yarn needles (all of which I did need). Well, with the 50% coupon came a 20% off entire purchase also. So I steeled myself for a fight at the register after I read the fine print that told me that as long as there was two purchases I could use both coupons. I get back up to the registers & breathe a sigh of relief. The clerk is one of my friends that works there & I know that I will be ok. I hand her my haul & tell her that I have both coupons & can I use both. Surprisingly, she informed me that since all my purchases were regular price I didn’t have to make two transactions, both coupons could be used at the same time. :dance: So I got everything for $9.04 when it should have been around $15.00. Sounds good to me. Wanna see my haul?

I feel pretty good at that time. I leave & walk back to the car & call Dad. Tell him I was finished & was headed back to Republic to the library (a “safe” place for me). Told him about my attacks & told him that I expected them & thought that I did pretty well considering I haven’t drove for over three years & this was my first solo to Springfield. So I made it back to the Republic Library & got to breathe a sigh of relief knowing that I shouldn’t have anymore “attacks” for the rest of the day. I get to sit here & wait until Dad gets out of his meeting. It is just too hot at the office & home for me to stay there. The meds I take screws up my body heat & I can’t handle hot weather very well, so I go to the library & enjoy their WiFi & the wonderful librarians. The books aren’t bad either, though Dad says if I bring any more home, I am in trouble. Though I did see a beautiful red husky puppy that I wanted to bring home so badly, but I couldn’t. Loves Huskies

I am still alive & so is Mom…

It hasn’t been an easy month holy crap it has almost been a month since I made a post, sorry about that for any of us. Mom has bounced back & forth in the hospital. A couple of times Dad & I thought that she was going to die only to have her come back. As of this moment she is back in the Step-Down unit at Cox South Hospital in Springfield. For about the last two weeks she had been on the respiratory floor, but the night of July 12th the floor put hewr back in Step-Down Unit due to “the floor was having to do more work then they had time for”. WTF? Then we find out that her heart is not pumping right (the top two valves are shaking instead of pumping) so they are giving her meds for that. Her left lung is hardening & not working the way it is supposed to. So honestly, though she is actually doing the physical therapy this time (sat on the edge of her bed for five minutes twice once a week) I just don’t know if it is going to help or harm her now. I am afraid that the physical therapy is going to damage her heart & make her have a heart attack. But at the same time she has so many bed sores that it is a fight to keep them all clean. I am not going into detail about her sores, so don’t worry there isn’t going to be too much information & I don’t want to disgust anyone out. She still has less then 1% chance of survival & I am hating every minute of it, but there isn’t much I can do except keep pissing her off so that she will do therapy to prove me wrong.

What have you been doing?

Well, I have been typing up tutorials & activities for my Bee*Group Chains & Purls in The Quilting Bee. No, it isn’t some S&M club, so get your mind away from that area, lol. The group is for crocheters & knitters. Yes, I have actually remembered how to knit. Wanna see?

I am so proud of myself. The first time I learned how to knit, I never could get it to look right. This time it is actually looking like a knitted cloth. I know I have dropped stitches & I have messed up the pattern on the Stockinette Stitch, but for my first project I think I have done pretty good. Now my only problem is trying to remember that I can’t rush off & make things that are above my experience level, lol. No matter how beautiful that bloody scarf is. So I am trying to practice patience & keep making dishcloths to practice my knits & purls, lol.