Maybe a change….

I am thinking about re-designing the site again. I know, I just put this theme up a couple of months ago. But I get bored & I need something to keep my mind off my mother being in the hospital. So I guess I will see how bad my coding has gotten since I have been in the hospital, lol.

Last Four Weeks

Well, if you had not noticed I had completely disappeared from the Internet world for almost a month. As of right now I am slowly getting back into the Internet world along with my regular life. From March 18, 2011 to April 13, 2011 I was in the hospital with pneumonia & acute respiratory failure. My neck has a beautiful slit in it from the trach they put in to let me breathe. The first two weeks of my hospital stay I was kept under sedation to help keep my oxygen level at a “livable” level. When I checked into the hospital my blood oxygen was about 60 when it needs to be in the 90s. They first just put me on oxygen to see if that would work, but I still wasn’t getting my oxygen up & it was still dropping. So they asked to put me on a ventilator (the tube down your throat). I don’t remember any of this, cause I was having so much problems breathing & feeling so bad, so this is what my father has told me. I refused the ventilator over & over. Both the doctor & my father were pleading with me to allow it. Finally, I guess it sunk in that unless I accepted the ventilator I was going to die. So I agreed to let them stick that damn tube down my throat. So after two weeks of being sedated & on the ventilator they stuck a trach tube on me & started letting me come out of sedation. I had the trach tube in from the second week I was in the hospital until April 11th. So my throat has a beautiful slit that is healing. Personally, I think it looks like a bright red gaping hole, but my father assures me that it isn’t that bad.

My lower right lung collapsed while I was fighting the pneumonia, & the doctors & nurses all say I am lucky to be alive after how sick I was. My honest horror started after I woke up from the sedation. My anxiety & panic attacks slammed into me like never before. I have never had attacks that last longer then maybe 15 minutes, but these were lasting a hour and a half or more. One weekend I even saw the bloodied corpses of my parents go by. The hallucinations were terrible. Everyday my anxiety would shoot to a high & I would have panic attacks that were terrible. I would hallucinate, feel like my world was ending, my heart was exploding, etc. So I wasn’t doing to good in the mental health area of my recovery. So my father (in his wisdom) snuck a psychiatrist into my doctor regime (I had three already & this made for four). He changed my medications around & removed one & added another. He says that I have severe social anxiety disorder & panic disorder with agoraphobia. Bad enough to be disabled, which he added in his comments & notes about me which should help my case. My attacks were so bad that sometimes I would have to call Dad just to have him come up to Springfield from Crane to hold me & tell me that I was ok. Did I forget to mention that my mother went into the hospital with pneumonia also? Yep, she went in four days before I did. So I was all alone in the hospital with no one to stay with me. Since it is tax season, Dad had to keep the office open as much as possible. After three weeks they finally tell me that they have a phone that I can use to call Dad. So that took a little edge off my anxiety. I didn’t feel so abandoned, even though Dad drove up every evening after work to see Mom & I. Things would have been different if they would have put Mom & me in the same room but they wouldn’t even let me see or talk to her. There is no family down here that could have stayed with me to ease my anxiety. But “The Family”1 came down from Jefferson City every week to make sure we were ok. The Family is still coming down to keep tabs on mom along with phone calls & texts *yep, dad actually gave me texting abilities, although only 250 in/out going per month* to see how mom is doing. Mom was hit harder then I was. But she has her age & diabetes against her. But I have faith that she will pull through & come home to us. Though I am still a little afraid that she will still give up, but she is not happy that I am out & under Dad’s care & not her’s. Mom is a control person & in the hospital she has none & that doesn’t suit her.

At the moment I am very weak from being in the hospital. I am trying to slowly put myself back into my life, but I tire very quickly, so I shadow you all on the internet a lot. But I know I said I would tell you all what happened & that is this entry. It has taken me all day to type this between hobbling around the office & making my father think I am dying, lol. My muscles think I am killing them & they like to give out so Dad likes to follow me everywhere I go. I am starting to feel like I am a child again, lol. But this hospital stay has scared him & I know he thought he was going to lose both of us which I honestly don’t think he could have handled. I am happy to be out of the hospital & am slowly making my recovery. So your best bet of catching me is email at tigerwhispers[@}gmail.com or just leave a comment here. I will probably be online, but just may not be actively showing myself online. If that makes sense. :huh?: